Keeping It Real

  
feel me in my wanting time  
I can not be consoled
my ache has a deep need  
it speaks for its self  
 
it's a wound that never healed or scarred  
I think i'm not good enough  
that's the truth  
 
so I push myself farther and farther
edging the ledge  
the coward in me can't jump
perhaps if I were braver  
i'd be able to keep it real  
but my reality scares me when confronted with it  
 
it stares at me in my face  
haunting me with questions  
like what if?  
and what happened to the girl you once were?  
 
I haven't got the heart to answer  
I've become scared  
afraid of my own shadow  
the truth is painful even on my best days  
 
truth is I'm an addict  
who finds I can't write without it anymore  
I used to drink to free myself  
I have yet to find my voice  
with just my thoughts and a pen  
 
so if I seem somewhat detached  
it's because I am  
 
another fact is  
i'm in danger of losing my husband and family  
if I don't get in control of my urges  
and in all honesty I feel powerless to stop myself  
 
I get high off writing  
I'm much better on paper  
inside my comfort zone where only I confront me  
 
there are those of you who tell me the truth  
you don't let me intimidate you  
with all my big words and bravado  
 
thank you  
 
down deep I'm just a woman with a deep ache  
who felt the need to speak this morning