SloTh

 
an old blackened ashtray
sits upon a bible
the King James version i believe
with a pale yellow post-it note
stuck near the bottom
with a message written in script
that says..
 
'God help those that help themselves'
 
Destiny's last words
unspoken
 
...and here she left me
in this emotional abyss
where all hope is devoured
a place where
lethargy is king
supplanting she
who i once regarded as queen
 
she  
 
who tried to redeem me  
uplift me from my lack-luster behavior
lure me away from
self sabotage
 ..
tell me
why should i  
even try to savor
the putrid stench
that reeks
from the entrails
of my so called
existence?..
 
how could i
be made of the same cloth
lamb lost
black sheep
what's the damned cost
o' bein less than
zero?...
 
'you are your own hero'
she would say in a nurturing tone
her preachy azz wouldn't leave me alone
she knew i was prone
to viscous mood swings..
but this one had lasted too long
outlasted her
 
and now she's gone..
 
..and here i am
wallowing in self-pitying filth
drowning remnants of her nagging voice  
in fifths of E&J
that Easy Jesus
is what the old headz call it
 
sometimes i wanna call her
then i'd say fuck it
cuz i be feelin so damned numb
life's ejaculated scum
tired o' living..scared o' dying
tired of trying
 
tired of chasing away the roaches
crawling over dried up pizza
left out from last night
i just lay here
sinking in my coffin-bed
with an unfocused gaze
watching these little brown creatures
play king of the mountain  
on the lid of a half empty coke bottle
the other half stale soda
..not worth drinking
the tale of my life
 
my home made purgatory
..
the place where even death
refuses to visit..
maybe the reaper's a bit confused
just cuz my heart is beating
doesn't mean i'm alive
 
that's ok
this fermented stench
of un-washed ass crack
and sticky under arms
brings me a sense of comfort
my 'people repellent'
kinda like a stinking shield  
against the world
against these memories
of me and her
 
i take another swig of Easy Jesus
then spew one for the road
to nowhere
 
FUCK YOU BITCH
 
fuck you
and your judgement  
posed as insight
and all your inspirational sermons
you ain't all that
you can't move me
you could never move me
for i am the un-movable
for i am...
 
SLOTH