deepundergroundpoetry.com
Little toy doll
Click, Click, Click went the key
Step step step went the little doll
Round and round the pink carpeted floor of her little girl's room the sound of her laughter making the little doll smile though her expression never changed.
Click, Click ... step step round and round she went
now as the dust gathered around her on the shelf surrounded by other forgotten toys she thought of those days long since passed a small tear tracing through the dust on her cheek.
her expression as ever unchanged.
Step step step went the little doll
Round and round the pink carpeted floor of her little girl's room the sound of her laughter making the little doll smile though her expression never changed.
Click, Click ... step step round and round she went
now as the dust gathered around her on the shelf surrounded by other forgotten toys she thought of those days long since passed a small tear tracing through the dust on her cheek.
her expression as ever unchanged.
Published 2nd Oct 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Oct 2011 8:01pm
3rd Oct 2011 6:03am
amiss without she would seem that little toy doll... it seems that way sometimes as we grow up things that we used to see in a certain way almost seem to fall to the wayside or just dont have that same sheen anymore I really can't explain why. but thats a very poetic personifaction, I quite liked it thanks for sharing
A Nameless Traveler
A Nameless Traveler
well, since you've asked for honest critique, i must start by saying this is a sweet idea for a poem. catches the emotions of anyone that misses a child or has feelings of becoming obsolete in someone's life, but there were a couple of things that got my attention in the wrong way.
"making the little doll smile" is a bit repetitive since you have "little girl" and "little doll" earlier in the sentence, but if you're not bothered, neither am i. you could also make it the theme i guess... if you changed "small tear" in the latter half to "little tear" it might make it seem theme-ified...
the second half, you should choose if you're looking at the doll in present tense or past, but present seems like it would fit what you meant:
"now as the dust gathers* around her on the shelf, surrounded by other forgotten toys she thinks* of those days long since passed, a small tear tracing through the dust on her cheek."
and welcome to DU. [:
"making the little doll smile" is a bit repetitive since you have "little girl" and "little doll" earlier in the sentence, but if you're not bothered, neither am i. you could also make it the theme i guess... if you changed "small tear" in the latter half to "little tear" it might make it seem theme-ified...
the second half, you should choose if you're looking at the doll in present tense or past, but present seems like it would fit what you meant:
"now as the dust gathers* around her on the shelf, surrounded by other forgotten toys she thinks* of those days long since passed, a small tear tracing through the dust on her cheek."
and welcome to DU. [:
3rd Oct 2011 5:19pm
thanks for the comment every bit helps as I'm still trying to find my way as a writer of somthing more then just short stories :)
