How he Took my virginity

An unsent letter to my best friend about how I was raped by a boy I loved at the time.

"For me it's pretty intense. It's like I go into a trance and I can't think, something just comes over me. And he knew this before we ever had sex. He was really aware of it and I'd get ahead of myself sometimes and he Knew I didn't want to have sex yet so usually he'd stop it by asking me a question like "whats my birthday" or something to snap me out of it. I thought that that was so great about him.
But then one day he didn't snap me out of it. I couldn't think. I actually can't even remember most of it. When I'm in subspace it's like I'm not controlling my body and he knew that. I was reacting without thought and he knew that.
It was getting heavy and I didn't put a stop to it. I don't think I said a word, but I know it wasn't "I want this" and it wasn't "I'm ready" and it wasn't "yes" or "okay". My pants ended up on the ground. Don't ask me, I don't know how they got there. All I know is that suddenly he's rubbing up on me and both of us are bare. I can feel the cloudyness in my head that I felt when he went to grab a condom "just in case" because precum can still get you pregnant, if I try hard enough.
I should've fucking realized. You don't grab a condom unless you fully intend on fucking someone. I didn't. Its like there's earmuffs muffling my logic. Like there's duct tape on my will power. I don't remember the feeling of him "slipping". It was short anyways. He apologized afterwards. He was scared I'd hate him or be mad. And at the time I didn't and I wasn't. I made sure HE was okay. It was an accident. I don't know why I believed him. I don't know how I could be so stupid.
Long after we've been having sex he admits to me. He fucking admits it. And he tells me that it wasn't really an accident. That he knew and was hoping I'd just kinda.... And I did. I told myself I was probably going to end up giving my virginity to him anyways, so it didn't really matter.

The more I think about it the more it matters. I used to hold the belief that virginity didnt matter until it was gone without even a whisper of "is this okay?""