Sunflowers and Small Talk

I miss you today
Not that I don't every other day
It's just that some are easier
To disregard my feelings about you
Much like I did
When you were alive
It's times like this
These painfully tough moments
The anger billows in my chest
Smoke seeping out of the cracks
In the wall I built between us
How could I have hated you
When I am everything you are
A mirrored image haunts me
I told myself we were better
Far apart
But I couldn't look in your eyes
And not feel the fear
Of what I was bound to become
I keep the memories
Behind closed lips
I still can't say your cause of death
Without tears stinging my eyes
If time was a person
I'd ask him for only one thing
An hour or two
I'd ask you all the questions
I keep avoiding in myself
Because I know you'll know
Just what to say
I'd tell you that I loved you
And even as we sit
Making empty small talk
And witty banter
Just like we always do
I'd finally actually listen to you
To the words you don't say
That scream at the back of your throat
To the sound of you singing way too loudly
To your cries for forgiveness
And for help
I recall many times
Cursing your name
Counting the days till you passed
Telling everyone
Even myself
I'd be okay when it happened
But I'm more lost now
Than I have ever been
Finding myself regretting
All my selfishness
I sit on your grave
How you loved sunflowers
Just like I do
And I cry into my hands
And sit and make small talk
Like we always do