deepundergroundpoetry.com
Who is this person?
Who is this person?
From the mirror, is staring back
Who is seeming to lack
The ability to cry
Who is this person?
Whose lips seem to only sigh
And whose eyes use to be so sly
But those deep blue eyes
Seem to only say sad goodbyes
Who is this person?
Whose face seems withdrawn
Even the light of incoming dawn
Can't seem to enlighten this face
Who is this person?
She looks to be in another place
Away from reality
Away from sanity
Tell me what happened to her?
Life seems to be a blur
The clinging darkness is creeping
The dragging sadness is seeping
What happened to me?
Why is this all I see?
A different person
Whose cold eyes are cursing
Her existence through the mirror
From the mirror, is staring back
Who is seeming to lack
The ability to cry
Who is this person?
Whose lips seem to only sigh
And whose eyes use to be so sly
But those deep blue eyes
Seem to only say sad goodbyes
Who is this person?
Whose face seems withdrawn
Even the light of incoming dawn
Can't seem to enlighten this face
Who is this person?
She looks to be in another place
Away from reality
Away from sanity
Tell me what happened to her?
Life seems to be a blur
The clinging darkness is creeping
The dragging sadness is seeping
What happened to me?
Why is this all I see?
A different person
Whose cold eyes are cursing
Her existence through the mirror
Published 6th Jan 2018
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Jan 2018 5:11pm
Overall, I like this poem a lot. The repetition of "who is this person?" is powerful, and adds to the mysterious feeling. If you're looking for honest critique, I'd note that there are a couple lines that are, in my opinion, kind of unnecessary. For instance, in stanza 2, the line "and whose eyes use to be so sly" - to me, that looks like it was added just to rhyme with the previous line ("whose lips seem to only sigh").
Something else that I think could make the poem stronger is a more confident voice. The first stanza says, "Who is seeming to lack / The ability to cry." In my opinion, if you took out "is seeming to" and and changed "lack" to "lacks," the voice would come across as more confident. (This would be: "Who lacks / The ability to cry.") However, if there's a certain rhythm you're going for, then I'd say keep it the way it is, since the poem is still great without the change.
All in all, this is an awesome poem. I could definitely relate to it. I'd say my favorite part are the lines "The clinging darkness is creeping / The dragging sadness it seeping." The imagery of darkness creeping up was really good, and taking an abstract noun like sadness and giving it a verb that implies physicality was super cool. Great job!
Something else that I think could make the poem stronger is a more confident voice. The first stanza says, "Who is seeming to lack / The ability to cry." In my opinion, if you took out "is seeming to" and and changed "lack" to "lacks," the voice would come across as more confident. (This would be: "Who lacks / The ability to cry.") However, if there's a certain rhythm you're going for, then I'd say keep it the way it is, since the poem is still great without the change.
All in all, this is an awesome poem. I could definitely relate to it. I'd say my favorite part are the lines "The clinging darkness is creeping / The dragging sadness it seeping." The imagery of darkness creeping up was really good, and taking an abstract noun like sadness and giving it a verb that implies physicality was super cool. Great job!
