Remember (Rap with Vocals)

In the past, I had corrupted thoughts
That to this day haunts
My Happiness
And feeds my craziness
Thoughts like  "I want to die"
My lips break open to sigh
At the loss of pain
The pain that kept me sane

I remember the lonely nights
And my internal fights
I remember the nail-bitting
And the awful lighting
I remember the veins pulsing
And my body's constant convulsing
I remember the shining silver
Sending a shiver
Down my spine

"It's alright, I am fine"
The easy lie that leaves my lips
Tightly grips
My heart in a fist
My troubles and worries are a long list
"I am okay"
Isn't that what you are supposed to say?

The burden on others is unfavourable
While the need for human touch is insaitable
The pain is unforgivable
The happiness is unreachable
Being an optimistic, I always had hope
Even while in darkness I grope
For Help, for someone, for anyone
From the outside it is all fun
From the inside it is Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun
As days pass by, it is all a matter of time
For the bell to chime

I remember the white sink corrupted with red
I remember the stained covers on my bed
I remember the sound of her swinging back and forth as if to gloat
I was sent to school the next day
Situation dissolved
But not resolved

My 10 year old mind had it buried
The secrets I have carried
Can give you constant unwavering nightmares
Can put a spanner in your gears
Can instill the greatest of fears
But I have carried them through my childhood
It has affected my livihood

I remember the eyes of the one who I trusted
I remember them when they mustered
The strength to corrupt my 5 year old mind
Even now the memory is easy to find
I remember the dark room
Where the dusty old furniture loomed
I remember his hushed whispers encouraging me to come closer
I remember me walking closer
I remember his hands outstretched
And the way they latched
Onto me

"Mommy..."
"I didn't know"
"That it will be so"

"Mother"
"He was my older brother"

I remember the way he touched me
Before the door opened and I struggled free
I remember the look of suspicion in your eyes
Before I told you lies
I remember the blue lights of the car
Taking him somewhere far

Again I buried the memory
The routine became a melody
Constant and effective
But it was defective
As I entered High School
I was treated like a fool
Becoming everyone's tool
My constant need and desire  to be wanted
Even while being unfairly confronted
I yielded to them, like the piece of trash I am

Everyday the urge to slam
My fist into the wall
To just step off the roof and fall
Just to feel anything at all
Was becoming my haunting dream
The seam
Was coming undone, everything unravelling
My mind was constantly travelling
To others I was simply staring into space
But I am simply preparing to brace
Myself for the constant torture
That mind manages to conjure

"What is wrong with you?"
Is that concern true?
"I can't deal with you like this?"
Sorry for taking you out of your social bliss
"This"
Is my  world, my worthless life
"This" is my constant strife
I didn't expect nor wanted you to understand
I didn't want your oh-so-godly helping hand

I remember the pils
White powder hills
Sitting in neat piles
Next I see the fast coming tiles
As I hit the floor
I remember having no strength to crawl
I remember the tiredness taking me into the darkness
I remember the numbness
I remember the loneliness
I remember the thought that is brought
I remember that dying is not what I sought
I remember the bright sunlight
That blinded my sight
I remember the grateful tears
That I allowed and my fears
Somewhat redunded
And my pain was refunded

My lips that I used to lie
The ones I used to gulp down the substance that willed me to die
Mouthed " I am glad to be alive"
The memories are like a drive
Through a haunted cemetery
But me , living, is still celebratory

You see, I hate failure
As I look at it now, this was all a fracture
That needed healing
And I needed to start feeling
The pain instead of holding it in
Over time it became easier to grin
And laugh and talk and express
I don't feel any less
Than what I did back then
But at least I know now how to fend
For myself in this pitiful world of mine

I remember in my last year I was left behind
But it didn't feel any different than before
As if being in that group was a fairy lore
A boring bedtime story
Well I am sorry
If you want to connect now
My back is sore and is unable to bow
Find someone else to kiss the ground
Because my background
Has taught me hard lessons
And I do not wait for blessings

So use your profanity
Build on to your insanity
I have been there and done that
Ain't ever going back
Yes, every once and again I begin to lack
That light, that beautiful idyllic setting
To fall into that state of letting
Everything get to me
Not letting anyone see
The heavy thoughts within my mind
My teeth begins to grind
Against the pain of these memories
Even through the headphone of melodies
That I use to distract my self-destruction
Self-combustion
Self -hatred
That was created
By yours truly
The thoughts are unruly
But it is different from before
Because before
I had no-one

But now I have someone
And I know in them I can confide
I never need to bide
My time with razors and medication
Their presence is my compensation
To my battered mind
Goodbye corrupt thoughts, go and find
Yourself someone deserving of your suffering
Because I am done buffering
My life for you
I ain't living for you
Anymore, I am done
Take your sick fun
Somewhere else