A Marriage Proposal as Pitched by a Drug Rep

Marry me, my love! I will only ask you
A thousand times a day.

Acceptance may include side effects.

Hurry, act now! Don’t let this
Opportunity pass you by!

Serious complications have been reported.

I only ask that you wear this ring
Of Benzene,

May cause numerous and previously unknown types of cancer.

For your benefit, of course!

Loss of spine and/or testicles has been known to occur.

You can try it for free!
For thirty days, Plus shipping and handling.

If you’re not completely satisfied, fuck right off, and go pound sand.

I’ll whisper to you the details
After I fuck you senseless.

Nasty incurable infections and hopeless addiction are the most common side effects.

Get your doctor on speed dial, and
Have your credit card ready.

Warning, your doctor may be the equivalent of a street level dealer in a huge corporate drug cartel.

Are you feeling uneasy,
A little detached?

Caution: Feelings of hesitation are normal. Ask your doctor about something to inhibit free will.

Anti-depressants with a side of
Dextroamphetamine may be Just what you need!

Schizophrenia and paranoia are considered rare and mild for our purposes.

How ‘bout Shatner or Busey
Give you a celebrity pitch?

Statements may be, and probably are, outright lies.

Don’t be fooled by those “other drug cartels” who want to sell you some weed, or cocaine, or a little bit of that ice.

Certain reactions are known to occur when using these drugs including; euphoria, the munchies, and in certain cases you may be allergic to police and break out in handcuffs.