deepundergroundpoetry.com
Nothing
Why is it so hard for her to just express the way she felt? Express the way she feels what's inside; out loud? Why was she so scared of her own emotions? She was a trapped soul wanting to be set free. She screamed in silence, and vociferated voicelessly. Damaged beyond repair, emotionally, to where "sorry" is repeated, used as a cloak to assure your feelings weren't as wounded as hers were. Scared from the past how the words sliced through her flesh, ripping and taring the skin like if it was margarine. Making comfort inside her core, nesting, restless. Her insecurities flowing out of her skin; dripping like blood from her wounded Pride. Making her emotions just barely visible, but on the surface she's calm; steady.
Outside you saw her. until you peeked beyond the camouflage she created you would barely recognize who she really was. Nothing was a name that she knew very well, nothing was her identity. despite her past she couldn't help the attraction to return to what damaged her in the first place. Its a surrounding she was familiar with, somewhere she tried to get out of before, but gave up on. Emotionally abused to where she questioned herself on what was good. Nights were longer than her days, eyes swollen constantly due to the tears, and her mind was her prison where she often visited.
She would never request the help emotionally cause she questioned; how could someone yield a broken soul and help mend it together? Her wounds were deep and her scars were old. She believes there is no fixing what was marked permanently. Her face sometimes get caught in her thoughts that she was trapped in. At times, people would catch a glimpse of her face from within and inquire, but the only words she knew to reply was, "Nothing."
Outside you saw her. until you peeked beyond the camouflage she created you would barely recognize who she really was. Nothing was a name that she knew very well, nothing was her identity. despite her past she couldn't help the attraction to return to what damaged her in the first place. Its a surrounding she was familiar with, somewhere she tried to get out of before, but gave up on. Emotionally abused to where she questioned herself on what was good. Nights were longer than her days, eyes swollen constantly due to the tears, and her mind was her prison where she often visited.
She would never request the help emotionally cause she questioned; how could someone yield a broken soul and help mend it together? Her wounds were deep and her scars were old. She believes there is no fixing what was marked permanently. Her face sometimes get caught in her thoughts that she was trapped in. At times, people would catch a glimpse of her face from within and inquire, but the only words she knew to reply was, "Nothing."
Published 27th Sep 2017
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The author encourages honest critique.
28th Sep 2017 00:33am
yo yo yo!
here is some feedback for ya :)
first off, i really like how you combine the internal (emotions, etc) with external (body, etc). I think that this gives the poem a lot of power. I also really like the end as you express yourself deeply within the poem and then end with "nothing." really well done capturing the disconnect between your own thoughts and your ability to communicate them. Again, i feel like this is a really strong and provocative ending.
I think writing this in the third person is an interesting approach. i thought about what if you replaced pronouns with "i" and "me" and that certainly would change the feel of the poem. Perhaps by writing it in the third person you are more detached from the self in a way that allows you to be more critical?
I think you express yourself well, but i just want to remind you that you are beautifully unique, but many other fight a similar struggle.
Reading poems in paragraph form is a bit of a pet peave of mine, but if it works for you that is what is important. i think if you broke the lines down you could place emphasis on certain lines that would make reading what you wrote all that more impactful.
here is how i may break down your first paragraph:
"Why is it so hard for her to just express the way she felt?
Express the way she feels what's inside; out loud?
Why was she so scared of her own emotions?
She was a trapped soul wanting to be set free.
She screamed in silence, and vociferated voicelessly
Damaged beyond repair
Emotionally, to where "sorry" is repeated
Used as a cloak to assure your feelings weren't as wounded as hers were
Scared from the past how the words sliced through her flesh
Ripping and taring the skin like if it was margarine
Making comfort inside her core, nesting, restless
Her insecurities flowing out of her skin
Dripping like blood from her wounded Pride
Making her emotions just barely visible
But on the surface she's calm; steady"
I personally would remove most of the punctuation as well, except for question marks.
I can go more indepth about why i would suggest formatting it this way if you would like, but as i said, if you like it that is what is most important.
I really don't have much else to say, i think that you turned raw self expression into art. so props to you!
I would love to hear you record this if you are up for it. If you needed any assistance getting started with that, lemme know!
Feedback is always a two way street, if you wanted to give me some feedback i would be very appreciative. In particular, i would like feedback on this one (https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/284385-say-im-fine-inst-by-jj-beats/) but any one would be awesome! If you are busy, no worries, i was happy to read this poem and give you some feedback.
love and respect,
Brad
here is some feedback for ya :)
first off, i really like how you combine the internal (emotions, etc) with external (body, etc). I think that this gives the poem a lot of power. I also really like the end as you express yourself deeply within the poem and then end with "nothing." really well done capturing the disconnect between your own thoughts and your ability to communicate them. Again, i feel like this is a really strong and provocative ending.
I think writing this in the third person is an interesting approach. i thought about what if you replaced pronouns with "i" and "me" and that certainly would change the feel of the poem. Perhaps by writing it in the third person you are more detached from the self in a way that allows you to be more critical?
I think you express yourself well, but i just want to remind you that you are beautifully unique, but many other fight a similar struggle.
Reading poems in paragraph form is a bit of a pet peave of mine, but if it works for you that is what is important. i think if you broke the lines down you could place emphasis on certain lines that would make reading what you wrote all that more impactful.
here is how i may break down your first paragraph:
"Why is it so hard for her to just express the way she felt?
Express the way she feels what's inside; out loud?
Why was she so scared of her own emotions?
She was a trapped soul wanting to be set free.
She screamed in silence, and vociferated voicelessly
Damaged beyond repair
Emotionally, to where "sorry" is repeated
Used as a cloak to assure your feelings weren't as wounded as hers were
Scared from the past how the words sliced through her flesh
Ripping and taring the skin like if it was margarine
Making comfort inside her core, nesting, restless
Her insecurities flowing out of her skin
Dripping like blood from her wounded Pride
Making her emotions just barely visible
But on the surface she's calm; steady"
I personally would remove most of the punctuation as well, except for question marks.
I can go more indepth about why i would suggest formatting it this way if you would like, but as i said, if you like it that is what is most important.
I really don't have much else to say, i think that you turned raw self expression into art. so props to you!
I would love to hear you record this if you are up for it. If you needed any assistance getting started with that, lemme know!
Feedback is always a two way street, if you wanted to give me some feedback i would be very appreciative. In particular, i would like feedback on this one (https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/284385-say-im-fine-inst-by-jj-beats/) but any one would be awesome! If you are busy, no worries, i was happy to read this poem and give you some feedback.
love and respect,
Brad
28th Sep 2017 2:30am
Thank you I really appreciate the feedback, and opinions are always needed good or bad because it helps me adjust on a new level as a poet I believe. Gives me an open mind to some changes for the better. Trust me it was a battle to determine whether to present the poem as my point of view or as a third person. I changed 'me' to 'her' like 5xs lol. You are right though, I am able to express my thoughts/emotions as a third person (than to just 'admit' that it's me feeling that way.) I do see a lot of poetry as a few lines and I try sometimes to go that route, but most times I just get so lost in the words i can go forever. Maybe i believe that's why people don't want to 'waist time' to read a whole chapter lol. As for punctuation I'd admit (I was never good in Grammar/literature) but i just loved poetry. As for the recording part, i really dont know how to do that, and yes! I would love to learn more about how to start that. But thank you again your feedback is very much appreciated, and would definitely would check your stuff out! #OneLove
28th Sep 2017 00:34am
Also, i see that you are from Puerto Rico. I hope you and your family is safe!
<3
<3
28th Sep 2017 2:31am
Thank you :) My family is safe. As for me, i reside in FL so i only got hit with Irma. Thank you much for the concern/ support. #OneLove
