I'm not ok.

I'm tired and I'm sad  
I'm tired of feeling sad  
I'm sad about the fact that I can't sleep at night
Because every fear and every anxiety is digging
At me from behind my eyelids.  

I'm not okay,  
I haven't been in forever.  
I mean yes I've gotten better but I haven't been truly okay,
truly healthy,
or emotionally stable since the sixth grade.  
 
Why am I not okay you may ask?  
It's because I can't help myself,
I can't let myself breathe.  
I'm serious.
Other people may have caused my heartbreak and pushed me to the ground,
But I'm the one who stayed on the ground.
I'm the one who let their words hurt me, let them scar on my skin,
I'm the one who broke my heart.  
 
I'm such a coward,
I can't even stand up to myself.  
 
Why can't I bring myself off the ground??  
Why am I unable to such a thing?  
WHY AM I SUCH A WEAK HUMAN BEING THAT I CAN'T EVEN CALL ON MY FRIENDS FOR HELP WHEN I NEED IT MOST?  
 
WHY, WHY, OH WHY DID I LET THESE EMOTIONS BACK INTO MY SYSTEM WHY DID I LIE TO MYSELF,
SAY I WAS FINE,
BUT KNEW DAMN WELL THAT I WAS DROWNING,
WHY DO I INSIST ON STAYING WHERE I'M THROWN,
WHY AM I AFRAID OF GETTING BACK UP,
WHY AM I UNABLE TO?  
 
why.  
why.  
why.  
 
Who broke my heart so badly that I've been damaged for three and a half years?  
Why am I still not okay after all this time?  
Why has it taken me so long to admit to myself that I'm not fine and I'll never be truly free of this?  
 
All these questions and I have no answers.  
None.  
Zero.  
Absolutely nothing.  
 
Actually I have one answer.  
Who broke my heart?  
 
I did.  
 
Like I said,
I'M the one who let their words hurt me,  
I'M the one who can't get better,
I'M the one who stays where I'm thrown.  
 
I cause my own heartbreak.  
 
I'm begging you, I'm pleading, don't be like me.  
 
Please don't let their words hurt you as bad as they hurt me.  
Don't let them throw you down unless you intend on picking yourself up.  
Don't be afraid of not being okay.  
 
Don't repress your feelings because it'll make you feel fine for the time being but it's tricking you,
It's tricking you into thinking that you're okay but the second,
The moment something triggers it,
It all falls apart.
Your whole perfect world you've created for yourself where everything is okay will cease to exist anymore and you'll be in so much pain.  
 
Please don't be like me.  
 
Be okay with not being okay.