8 weeks and 20 years

To my little one,

I am sorry it ended this way,
That I stopped you from having a life that you deserved.
I would have loved you to stay,
But you were 8 weeks in my tummy and I was 20 years to life.

Your Daddy was taken away from me,
On false charges – I promise you he didn’t do what they said.
I was alone but I had you,
8 weeks in my tummy and so scared.

I thought about your future – whether you’d be a boy or a girl.
I thought about how you would need love;
You would need to be looked after,
But I am only 20 years to this world and you’re only 8 weeks scared.

I would have loved a little girl – your Daddy wanted a little girl too;
With beautiful long ginger hair.
I would have ruined you. I am alone.
I am 20 years to life and scared about the life I’d give you.

You were 8 weeks in my tummy when your Daddy had been gone a month
Sitting alone in a hospital. Surrounded by judging eyes.
20 years to life, alone, scared – the young idiot;
The young girl with you 8 weeks in my tummy.

I let them take you away from me.
I went through all the pain to have the little baby inside of me gone;
To have you taken away;
To leave me 20 years to life and alone.

Some people say it is the easy way out.
They are wrong. I had to deal with the pain alone.
Physically excruciating. Mentally broken.
20 years to life and I am making a huge decision.

20 years to life and living with depression;
Knowing there is a possible life in my tummy.
8 weeks in my tummy and I saved you;
I saved you from me.

20 years to life and I struggle so much.
Your Daddy helped to keep my head above the depression;
But you were 8 weeks in my tummy and he was gone.
I can’t do this alone.

We dreamt of having a baby girl and he was so happy.
You were 4 weeks in my tummy when they took him away from me;
When they did that, they took you too.
I am sorry, I couldn’t do it alone little one.

I am sorry I was not strong enough.
I am sorry I wouldn’t give you what you deserved.
I gave you an out so you didn’t have to struggle with me.
20 years to life with no life at all.

I would want you happy.
I can’t even make myself happy.
You were 8 weeks in my tummy and I was 20 years to life.
We were alone and I saved you from this life.

There won’t be a day I don’t think about you;
Or about what I had to do;
But this life isn’t all that it is cracked up to be;
If it was I wouldn’t be 20 years to life hurting over giving you up.

Everyday I will miss you - as does your Daddy;
Because if life was fair and things were different.
I wouldn’t be writing to you.
I wouldn’t be saying goodbye to you after 8 weeks in my tummy.

You would have my first little one,
Probably my only little one.
We would looked after you and loved you ;
But after 8 weeks in my tummy we knew we couldn’t give you what you needed.

I have to try and move on with you still in my mind;
The little life I didn’t let go on.
You were 8 weeks in my tummy; 8 weeks in my heart;
I was offered a way to stop you being in danger with me.

I am sorry I took that option;
But you wouldn’t have wanted this life I could have gave you.
Hopefully there is a next time little one.
You’ll be my whole world.

When I am not only 20 years to life.
When your Daddy is still around.
When depression doesn’t control me.
When I can give you the life I dream for you.

People think I am a coward because I was scared and I gave you up.
They are wrong because I am strong but you are weak.
You don’t deserve the fear.
8 weeks in my tummy and I am already scared for you.

You don’t deserve not having your Daddy around.
You don’t deserve a depressed Mommy.
You deserve all the love in the world.
Next time you are 8 weeks in my tummy we will be stronger.

8 weeks in my tummy will go on to be 9 months.
9 months were you grow more and more excited to meet Mommy.
Daddy will be around to hold you and look after you;
Because little one you were always loved.

We had no choice. We protected you.
We loved you too much to bring you into this.
You didn’t want Daddy to be away and Mommy to be scared.
8 weeks in my tummy was long enough to know that this life is too dangerous for you.

My little one. I know you’ll be back one day.
I won’t let life decide what I want that time.
My heart is broken. I gave up what was truly mine.
You.

I am so sorry.

Love Mommy.