Beautifully Broken

Im right where I need to be indefinitely,
 in a place,
a conscious state of love in lieu of anger and hate
a course correction toward a different fate.
Left from where I started,
Searching for places I refuse to be found.
Attempting to avoid my fellow misfits,
the ones like me that don't fit in,
but are still bound to pursue the synthetic push and pull of schedule 1 narcotics,
a misappropriated cathartic release
determined to escape societal insanity
waging warfare with the numbing sensation the needle
Brings.

15 years of stories I'd rather not tell,
 brought me to a moment of reckoning,
once the rubber souls of my shoes melted
the closer I came to the fires of hell.

I destroyed myself. Entirely. In the literal sense.

I can mark the moment,
I remember the beginning on the end,
You were standing in our driveway,
I was holding our dog, refusing to let you take him.
 Your weeks had been marked with days you spent in a lethargic daze gaze aim at the box on the wall.
Mine made up of walking our dogs along the shoreline 5 minutes from our house, for hours to avoid going home,
the sunlight lathering us in satisfaction and salvation
a welcome retreat from the cave you enslaved us within.

Then the words that eviscerated me came next,
despite that I never actually loved you,
no one has ever diminished my self worth to such an extent
I destroyed myself emphatically in effect.
Your fluid lucid concise vocabulary usage
echoed volumes, originally conceived and edited,
over a duration of deliberation, of all your thoughts left unsaid.

"You know why I'm not leaving with out the dog kayla. Because once I found out you were Bipolar, I knew I didn't want to waste my time with you. You're broken and I don't want broken. I wish I had known over the last 10 years we were friends and 2 years we date after that. Thank god you got that abortion because I don't want any child of my turning into you. Who would want that in their life, who would want you, someone whose broken in all the wrong places? I don't know how anyone could ever love you and have to deal with that. Especially not our dog."
I handed the dog over and walked inside. I called up my dealer and we got high. Systematic downward spiral ignition.

Nowadays I bite to break skin, to exsanguinate the sudden surge of those words circulating through me every now and again.

It took my 3 years but I am happy to say, I know I'm broken, but in all the right places and I like it that way.