Trip to the hotel

Well I have been preparing for this for weeks and now it is time.  Nothing really seems to matter any more, well, just the one thing, doing this right.  I actually went to work today, I don't know why, like it matters.  For the last few weeks I have taken my 24 aspirin a day, I have also taken the 4 Coumadin. I bought the two bottles of Vodka, blackberry, thought it might go down smoother.  The codeine and the sleeping pills in a baggy, 243, I counted them 7 times.  The razor blade is right there too.  Then there is all the stuff to throw away.  She would be mortified if anyone else found the porn and sex toys, it would be safely disposed of for her. Been working on a playlist for quite some time, but this morning I made a decision, Whiskey Lullaby and repeat.  Got to explain myself so got a brand new notebook, the paper is a nice light shade of purple, and she loves purple.  So I suppose it is time to get a room and get this over with.  There is a trash can right be the side entrance and all of the unmentionables are gone.  Take my shopping bags and to the room I go.  Huh, Motel 8 still has room keys, not key cards.  It is nothing special, but all I really needed was a table to write at and a tub, it will do.  I set my bags down and take everything out.  The razor blade goes on the side of the tub, vodka on the table, get my iPod going, love that.  Or maybe I hate, but I know it has to play.  The pills, huh, maybe I should have crushed them, that is a lot.  I take one of the vodka bottles and roll it back and forth over the baggy as the music plays in my ears.  As I realize that the song has ended again I look down at the powder in the baggy now.  How many times did it play? The notebook and my pen go on the desk and suddenly everything is ready.  I sit down and open a bottle and drink about half of it and yes the blackberry makes it much smoother.  The words have been stuck in my head, in my mind and in my soul, but there is no room left for them any more. I push them out and they tumble on the pages. Whether or not they make any sense is irrelevant, they already know how worthless I am and they don't really care.  Riding high on the vodka I have already drank I level off the two bottles, making room in each, and pour the pulverized pills in.  I shake them up and the white powder fades away.  Now it is time to have a drink.  As Brad Paisley and Allison Krause serenade me I  quickly kill one bottle then the other.  Knowing that much alcohol is going to seriously fuck with my head, Hah, like my head isn't seriously fucked already, I head to the bathroom.  Time to draw a nice warm tub of water to soak in.  I contemplate the water and decide that surely if I was found naked she would be upset so I slide in the tub dressed as I am.  Setting my phone and iPod on the edge I pick up the razor blade to finish the last part of my plan.  Silent tears run down my face and my body shudders with the sobs wracking me.  I tried so hard to tie up the loose ends, but there are so many things left undone.  Well, one last thing to do, I draw the blade repeatedly up and down my wrists and settle them next to me in the tepid water.  A burnt umber hue surrounds me and the tears dry up.  No one will really miss me and they will all be better off.  Till the night he put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger..........