deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fourteen Long Years
Picture a girl who’s nineteen and alone
estranged from her family, out on her own
Picture a Valley Girl, but give her brains
and a Chi-Town kid who’s already insane
Picture them fucking and falling in love
watch it crash down from the pressure above
He goes back to Chicago, starts a new life
She goes back to her boyfriend, becoming his wife
His world falls apart and he wants it to end
She watches cross country, the demise of her friend
A decade of marriage before she steps out
she stays for the kids, though she wants a new route
Her man wants her back but she says they’re dead
whilst she longs for another, to lure back to bed
She calls up Chicago, her ex has survived
He’s halfway to death so she revives his life
Picture a man who no longer has sex
and a mid-thirties woman with plenty success
Picture two souls who went different directions
brought back together by deeper connections
Picture a man whose sex drive came alive
and the woman behind it who will save his life
His past catches up to him and he must flee
he runs back to Cali, the woman he needs
The problem’s resolved, it’s safe to return
but the bond between them has begun to re-burn
Picture two humans who’ve grown apart
whose souls are enmeshed and who crave a new start
Picture a woman whose field is in flight
a man who’s a writer but can’t seem to write
Picture a man who feels home in L.A.
who chooses to move there, this time to stay
Picture two humans, both with their own fears
but the courage to try after fourteen long years
Copyright © 2017 Jackson Kane
estranged from her family, out on her own
Picture a Valley Girl, but give her brains
and a Chi-Town kid who’s already insane
Picture them fucking and falling in love
watch it crash down from the pressure above
He goes back to Chicago, starts a new life
She goes back to her boyfriend, becoming his wife
His world falls apart and he wants it to end
She watches cross country, the demise of her friend
A decade of marriage before she steps out
she stays for the kids, though she wants a new route
Her man wants her back but she says they’re dead
whilst she longs for another, to lure back to bed
She calls up Chicago, her ex has survived
He’s halfway to death so she revives his life
Picture a man who no longer has sex
and a mid-thirties woman with plenty success
Picture two souls who went different directions
brought back together by deeper connections
Picture a man whose sex drive came alive
and the woman behind it who will save his life
His past catches up to him and he must flee
he runs back to Cali, the woman he needs
The problem’s resolved, it’s safe to return
but the bond between them has begun to re-burn
Picture two humans who’ve grown apart
whose souls are enmeshed and who crave a new start
Picture a woman whose field is in flight
a man who’s a writer but can’t seem to write
Picture a man who feels home in L.A.
who chooses to move there, this time to stay
Picture two humans, both with their own fears
but the courage to try after fourteen long years
Copyright © 2017 Jackson Kane
Published 26th Jul 2017
| Edited 29th Jul 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 10
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The author encourages honest critique.
27th Jul 2017 00:00am
Boy this tells a story ... complex taste ... First salty sad ... then the subtle sweetness of hope. Moving write, Gemini.
27th Jul 2017 00:37am
Thank you for stopping by, Dragonfly. It's not easy to fit fourteen years into just one poem, so I appreciate your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. -Gemini
Anonymous
28th Jul 2017 2:14am
Knowing the backstory of this poem much too well i will say you captured most of the details in this poem with a pretty good rhyming factor going on and i must say it aint too bad Falco, you pulled it off well.
Now what irked me a bit was all the ‘but’s’ and ‘and’s’ and i read and re-read and what saved it here was that there’s a pattern throughout the poem although i think you can easily edit few of them without sacrificing much.
One thing i must say the contrast of her and his stories is what makes this poem interesting that as a reader one wants to see how this story will end (deep down we’re all suckers for happily ever after endings lol) in few of the lines it failed to do so but it goes unnoticeable an example of the failed contrast is in this following line:
//Picture a woman whose field is in flight
a man who’s a writer but can’t seem to write //
It would’ve been far better had you written it as a woman who’s in field of flight but doesn’t have the freedom to fly, since in the line following that is where the man is a writer but can’t write.
This contrasting theme reminded me so much of the song by the Eagles Joe Walsh’s song ‘life is good’ the whole song is a contrast of situations.
But anywhooo...if you want i can send you a copy of the poem cleaned up a bit and edited without changing too much of signature style.
Now.. i can’t wait to see venice beach come alive in poetry form ;)
Now what irked me a bit was all the ‘but’s’ and ‘and’s’ and i read and re-read and what saved it here was that there’s a pattern throughout the poem although i think you can easily edit few of them without sacrificing much.
One thing i must say the contrast of her and his stories is what makes this poem interesting that as a reader one wants to see how this story will end (deep down we’re all suckers for happily ever after endings lol) in few of the lines it failed to do so but it goes unnoticeable an example of the failed contrast is in this following line:
//Picture a woman whose field is in flight
a man who’s a writer but can’t seem to write //
It would’ve been far better had you written it as a woman who’s in field of flight but doesn’t have the freedom to fly, since in the line following that is where the man is a writer but can’t write.
This contrasting theme reminded me so much of the song by the Eagles Joe Walsh’s song ‘life is good’ the whole song is a contrast of situations.
But anywhooo...if you want i can send you a copy of the poem cleaned up a bit and edited without changing too much of signature style.
Now.. i can’t wait to see venice beach come alive in poetry form ;)
Reina,
First, I want to thank you for your support of my writing, just as I have shown for yours and will continue to do at your request. I'm grateful to you, my dear friend.
I just took you're advice and tweaked some of the 'ands' and 'buts.' Like I told you though, I like the final stanza as it is, although I appreciate your opinion. I'd still like to see your version of this though when you get a break from you're insane work schedule.
As for the contrast, it's the duality of my Gemini traits. Listening to Joe Walsh song now.
-Gemini (Falco)
P.S. "Dog Town" (Venice) is sitting in your inbox here; first draft, for-your-eyes-only, at this point.
First, I want to thank you for your support of my writing, just as I have shown for yours and will continue to do at your request. I'm grateful to you, my dear friend.
I just took you're advice and tweaked some of the 'ands' and 'buts.' Like I told you though, I like the final stanza as it is, although I appreciate your opinion. I'd still like to see your version of this though when you get a break from you're insane work schedule.
As for the contrast, it's the duality of my Gemini traits. Listening to Joe Walsh song now.
-Gemini (Falco)
P.S. "Dog Town" (Venice) is sitting in your inbox here; first draft, for-your-eyes-only, at this point.
Gemini I really haven't learned the real art of critique
& I know that's what you really prefer
but I will say this I'm happy for your reunification with this lady
& you brand new start in LA.
p.s you can write your ass of my friend..
love Brenda
& I know that's what you really prefer
but I will say this I'm happy for your reunification with this lady
& you brand new start in LA.
p.s you can write your ass of my friend..
love Brenda
Thank you, my dear Crimsin. Unfortunately, since I posted this poem, things have gone south with this particular female. But if we waited 14 years, who knows what else we can overcome? Time will tell.
Thank you for the compliment that my writing also. You know that I am a fiction writer and I only write poetry to fuck around. Nevertheless, I'm happy that you appreciate a little bit of poetry that I do write.
-Gemini
Thank you for the compliment that my writing also. You know that I am a fiction writer and I only write poetry to fuck around. Nevertheless, I'm happy that you appreciate a little bit of poetry that I do write.
-Gemini
22nd Aug 2017 00:28am
Love this poem & wish you both many years of happiness. Gives people like me hope. Been chasing a crazy dream of reuniting with a past love for a few months now. Very complicated story but I believe it's a crazy dream but he reminds me we never know what tomorrow might bring.
Keep writing! I really enjoy your style. Saw you have been writing a lot going of fiction. Do you have anything published?
Keep writing! I really enjoy your style. Saw you have been writing a lot going of fiction. Do you have anything published?
ExoticDreamer, thanks for swinging by to read, comment, and add this to your reading list. I'm humbly honored that you enjoyed this piece so much. My advice is to chase your dream of re-unification but don't try to force it; let it happen naturally or not at all. Just my opinion based on my own experience.
This is actually my original style and I wrote it with end rhymes just to get in the habit of playing with words and structure again after writing virtually nothing for three years. However, if you like this style, I have plenty of my old writing that you might like.
As for your question about being published, the answer is yes. A member of this website was an editor of an overseas magazine and she published a violent poem of mine followed by one of my erotic short stories. I also have two poetry books.
-Gemini
This is actually my original style and I wrote it with end rhymes just to get in the habit of playing with words and structure again after writing virtually nothing for three years. However, if you like this style, I have plenty of my old writing that you might like.
As for your question about being published, the answer is yes. A member of this website was an editor of an overseas magazine and she published a violent poem of mine followed by one of my erotic short stories. I also have two poetry books.
-Gemini
22nd Aug 2017 8:03pm
Would you mind sharing where I might be able to get my hands on one of your published pieces? I have one published poem through poetry.com & hope to publish a hole book one day. Ive always been a dreamer & try hard to make my dreams come true. I appreciate the advice you gave on the situation to reunite with an old love. You're absolutely correct on letting it happen naturally or not at all. Will be hard to turn my back on the love I know is between us but at the moment I really have no choice. He holds the carda to what happens next.
...just as she holds the cards at this point in my current situation. If you hope to publish an entire book you can do so. My two poetry books were self-published on Amazon. Since poetry doesn't sell, I mostly just did it for myself. Both books are published under my given name which most of the old timers around here know but which I like to avoid using now days due to certain dark and ugly topics I occasionally write about. Shoot me a PM though if you're really that interested and I'll give you the titles and where you can find them. As for the two pieces published by our fellow DU member, I believe the magazine project came to an end which is unfortunate because I thought it was a really good mag. Thanks for taking such an interest in my word play.
-Gemini
-Gemini
