"Maneater"

"Maneater"
By: Rollie Mendosha

Empty,
Your Presence radiates brighter than the sun.
Making it easy to hone in on your smile in a room cluttered with people. How Can a world seem so empty when I look into your eyes?
Hatred fills me when that smile is redirected towards another being the reason for it.
Jealously towards the man who can gift you to climax, Temporarily phasing your problems.
Anger towards the man who gains your heart.
Feeling Empty,
As I sit in a room full of amazing memories.
Being empty as I realize I will not be able to create new ones.
I am empty without you being the final piece to my puzzle.
But,
Being all about you is pointless. You don't realize that your decisions do not only effect you.
You made me this way
So cold,
Sooo Angry,
So easy to forgive because I do not care about anything.
Your wrongs seem less because of my emptiness.
Everything is fixed with forced tears, fake empathy, and imperfect love.
Searching for love Within a shattered mind is a hard task from her prospective.
Try being in the shoes of a man who must mend a heart together. Watching from afar as you give yourself to others who don't deserve your sunshine. Try being me,
Hating you so much for giving me a love seen through a nostalgic lens. Leaving a imprint that I couldn't dare recreate. You are so selfish. Associating happiness within lust. Never accepting a conversational lush as something you need.
Afraid you are,
Afraid of anyone threatening that wall you so tightly built along the path of your thoughts to your heart.
Afraid of another accessing your state of vulnerability,
Afraid of security.
You are so selfish,
Allowing your garden to be vandalized with impure intentions.
The sweetest taste tainted with poison.
Each interaction providing that happiness you so desperately search for.
You are so selfish,
Being every bit of what I longed for in a a woman.
Dangerously addicted to your flesh pressed against mine.
So tempting to turn my humanity switch off.
No emotion
Nothing more beats behind the cartledge of my ribs, only hatred for allowing you to make me feel once more. Reaching insanity as a child would when something was taken from them.
Laying right next to you but feeling as if you are miles away.
With you expressing how right that exact moment feels.
Being held in the most secure grip.
Mentally replacing my presence with your desired distraction.
You begin to push,
When your showed happiness
Experiencing something real confuses you.
Withdrawals from False love draws you back in no matter how frequently you slip away.
The memory of your smile sits in my head as the most aggressive tumor.
Losing myself in the process
Feigning for your emotional roller coaster again.
Knocking at the door of insanity.
Visualizing the rope as it inches closer and closer to snapping.
You are so selfish
providing me with feeling
 then erasing the last bit of love I could offer.
Mentally ignoring you,
Until that notification flashes your name brighter then the sun and moon on the clearest of days. Commanding myself to type goodbye
My mind takes over and recites the only thing I can
It's ok.
It's ok to push me away repeatedly
It's ok to allow me to connect with you mentally just so you can leave so sudden.
You eat away at my sanity,
Controlling me so easily with no effort.
You are so selfish for not allowing me to love you.
The sweetest taste of your flesh on my lips pollutes my mind with thoughts of another having what I was told was mine.
You belong to me
You told me you were mine
Territorial I admit I am,
Mixing that with my struggles to contain my anger includes premeditated thoughts of gifting one with eternal life for threatening my property.
Not recognizing the man I once was.
Now so full of hurt
So full of self pity
Looking at the reflection of a stranger
Telling him he doesn't know what's best for me
Who are you to tell me what to do?
You don't know me now.
Transitioning into this person was the best thing for me.
It help me understand reasoning more
I understand why she won't allow herself to be happy.
How can I expect her to show me love when she doesn't love herself.
Negativity floats above her bed as she sleeps awaiting to grab her like a demon
Leaving her body stiff
Motionless,
Breaking her mind down so far that she is reaching the edge of insanity.
A rose forever trapped in a seed.
As I am waiting for my cocoon to shed to away every attribute I dislike about myself you continue to reveal our similarities within small conversation.
I question
why are we so much alike?
There you go being selfish again
My soulmate,
My rib
Walking through life so uncertain.
Not ever evaluating what you truly want.
Leaving me constantly contradicting myself.
Me convincing myself I want you to be happy regardless if you return to me as my queen or not
But,
When you find another I only wish he could not love you as I can.
Now I'm so far gone,
Breaking my rules
Feeling something again.
Growing a pulse
Slipping back into the person I was
Actually happy
Because of you.
I hate the control you have over me
Influencing my decisions
I'm your puppet.
Serving you as my queen
You don't know the power you wield with that smile.
Having me torture myself staring at your imperfections realizing your perfection for me.
Why are you so selfish?
Denying our compatibility
Denying yourself the opportunity to be happy
Denying me the honor of having a queen like you on my highest petal-stool.
I once read the right attention from the wrong individual during a lonely time will fool you into thinking that person is the one.
This isn't that case
You are worth me losing my sanity
You are worth the wait as you mature mentally.
You are selfish but I support your reasons.