deepundergroundpoetry.com
Weak
He's young and broad,
reeking testosterone, laughter, sun, and earth
spends fire nights steeped in Tchaikovsky
and wine
too smart for some
society's facades, he dons and drops
with all the weight that comes
of living the cracks
in broken walls
Fights his battles
on the cliffs
And she watches well while living fast
Strong and bright
late newness of menses blushing her cheeks
both blooming and burning her chest
for him
She'll never tell
There is no better way
to shatter her chance
to be close
like this
No faster way to turn
all burning eyes
on weakness
He takes the sky
She knew he would
"Might as well be
family"
he says
The years build full and living mountains
as letters flash her back to youth;
her hands could always soothe his mind
She wanted watch him
conquer his world
.
So he let breadcrumbs fall
once her home-grown Attica walls
extended her leash
and his taste had been almost as fine in ink
She felt the new lands
lovers, tales and tongues
and they sleep for now
soaked in this memory
closed lips dipped in wine
She'll never tell
*refers to Attica prison in New York
reeking testosterone, laughter, sun, and earth
spends fire nights steeped in Tchaikovsky
and wine
too smart for some
society's facades, he dons and drops
with all the weight that comes
of living the cracks
in broken walls
Fights his battles
on the cliffs
And she watches well while living fast
Strong and bright
late newness of menses blushing her cheeks
both blooming and burning her chest
for him
She'll never tell
There is no better way
to shatter her chance
to be close
like this
No faster way to turn
all burning eyes
on weakness
He takes the sky
She knew he would
"Might as well be
family"
he says
The years build full and living mountains
as letters flash her back to youth;
her hands could always soothe his mind
She wanted watch him
conquer his world
.
So he let breadcrumbs fall
once her home-grown Attica walls
extended her leash
and his taste had been almost as fine in ink
She felt the new lands
lovers, tales and tongues
and they sleep for now
soaked in this memory
closed lips dipped in wine
She'll never tell
*refers to Attica prison in New York
Published 29th Aug 2011
| Edited 3rd Nov 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 16
reading list entries 4
comments 31
reads 1298
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Aug 2011 2:42pm
This feels like a heavy love. Like being caught in the grey between, never having the peace of knowing either side. Beautifully sad.
Much love
Much love
thank you so much, vi... that means a lot coming from you and adds so much to it. i wanted a tone of sadness but i hope i didn't set the mood too heavy. on another read, it sounded to me like they died at the end, which wasn't meant to be. though, after the change the ending should still not imply peace.
you inspire me to keep trying. [: x
you inspire me to keep trying. [: x
Anonymous
29th Aug 2011 4:33pm
This is at once innocent and dangerous, a poem which has the charm of a musical about teenage love, but the profundity of a tragic sonnet by a great old master. Great work, Jesta. These lines were my favourite:
"The years build full and living mountains
as letters flash her back to youth"
I think this surmises your style somewhat, the mix between naievete and insight. A girlish passion and an aged wisdom. Like light chocolate covering a dark chocolate centre.
"The years build full and living mountains
as letters flash her back to youth"
I think this surmises your style somewhat, the mix between naievete and insight. A girlish passion and an aged wisdom. Like light chocolate covering a dark chocolate centre.
29th Aug 2011 4:43pm
that comment has sort of stunned me speechless. all i can say is 'thank you', Jack; i'm so grateful for your thoughtful reviews.
29th Aug 2011 10:15pm
i love it if only i knew why. it touches my soul in a way i can't really explain! exquisite Jesta :)
ophie, that is good enough for me. i'm glad, nay, honored that it could reach you, my friend. means i did my job. [:
29th Aug 2011 10:41pm
...there is something here all right. A slow-burn write.
This line
"Attica* extends the lead"
has me confused, as I don't know how you want me to say the word "lead"...and either way doesn't quite let me in enough to what you are getting at.
It does have the best of your style in it though, so I'll not be the one blame the writer for the readers lack of understanding
:-)
This line
"Attica* extends the lead"
has me confused, as I don't know how you want me to say the word "lead"...and either way doesn't quite let me in enough to what you are getting at.
It does have the best of your style in it though, so I'll not be the one blame the writer for the readers lack of understanding
:-)
aw, thanks hem. i didn't want to be entirely cryptic but did try to be a little creative with the images... i've recently discovered i'm no good at the raw stuff i'd rather read. [:
yeah, that 'lead' was supposed to be like a dog lead, Eamon pretty much had the idea... but maybe i should think about changing it to leash, as that's what we call 'em in the States anyway. been in the UK too long methinks...
the read and any critique you have is vastly appreciated, thank you. [:
yeah, that 'lead' was supposed to be like a dog lead, Eamon pretty much had the idea... but maybe i should think about changing it to leash, as that's what we call 'em in the States anyway. been in the UK too long methinks...
the read and any critique you have is vastly appreciated, thank you. [:
31st Aug 2011 10:33pm
29th Aug 2011 10:48pm
thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. [:
well, the story was meant to focus on her side mostly...i don't think she knew whether or not it was unrequited even in the end, the silly bism.
thanks again, i really enjoy your writing. [:
well, the story was meant to focus on her side mostly...i don't think she knew whether or not it was unrequited even in the end, the silly bism.
thanks again, i really enjoy your writing. [:
30th Aug 2011 6:04am
Tchaikovsky is amazing but I am more of a Bach man :o hehe The details of the poem make it very rich and strangely airy enough to let your imagination build on the story. I am curious of the title and how it relates to the write?
thank you, DY! [: i've been wracking my brain trying to get a story out SOMEwhere but there's just nothing like old inspirations. [:
well... i think Eamon got it right about the title. it ties into how she's described as strong but afraid of being weak, so because of that fear she only gets a taste of that love she could have had. hope that makes sense? thanks again for reading, DY. [:
well... i think Eamon got it right about the title. it ties into how she's described as strong but afraid of being weak, so because of that fear she only gets a taste of that love she could have had. hope that makes sense? thanks again for reading, DY. [:
great stuff jesta.
it gives a great insight into the mind of the narrator.
"She'll never tell
There is no better way
to ruin her chance
to be close
like this"
this is so deep it's almost like a bottomless pit.
"No faster way to turn
all burning eyes
on weakness"
such a sad truth here, would i be right in saying the title ties into these lines.
like hemi the Attica part got me to thinking. i went on the assumption that she ventured somewhat outside her own prison or comfort zone just a little, but the walls were still in sight.
outstanding!
it gives a great insight into the mind of the narrator.
"She'll never tell
There is no better way
to ruin her chance
to be close
like this"
this is so deep it's almost like a bottomless pit.
"No faster way to turn
all burning eyes
on weakness"
such a sad truth here, would i be right in saying the title ties into these lines.
like hemi the Attica part got me to thinking. i went on the assumption that she ventured somewhat outside her own prison or comfort zone just a little, but the walls were still in sight.
outstanding!
30th Aug 2011 8:39am
heeey, thank you! must say, i was sure you would get the odd bits and i hoped others would get the feelings even if they didn't exactly get the direct concrete meanings. [:
31st Aug 2011 9:49am
Your best work. Fabulous. Well done, J.
'The years build full and living mountains
as his letters flash her back to youth;
her hands could always soothe his mind.'
'The years build full and living mountains
as his letters flash her back to youth;
her hands could always soothe his mind.'
31st Aug 2011 12:45pm
Anonymous
8th Sep 2011 11:27pm
This is beautifully written and seems to take very bold brush strokes to grand topics.
'society's facades, he dons and drops
with all the weight that comes
of living the cracks
in broken walls
he fights his battles
on the cliffs'
is probably my (close run) favourite bit.
It's a fascinating piece but I have to say it left me pretty much bamboozled as to what exactly it's about. Is a young girl writing to a prison inmate? Or has an old love ended up in prison? Is SHE in prison? I've honestly no idea.
Now I know there's no onus on poets to ascribe definite meaning to all or any parts of their writes (and the quality of this piece is perhaps a good argument for why that should be so.) I just want you to have my feedback that your meaning is unclear to some. Regardless - it's a fine write. redTbird
'society's facades, he dons and drops
with all the weight that comes
of living the cracks
in broken walls
he fights his battles
on the cliffs'
is probably my (close run) favourite bit.
It's a fascinating piece but I have to say it left me pretty much bamboozled as to what exactly it's about. Is a young girl writing to a prison inmate? Or has an old love ended up in prison? Is SHE in prison? I've honestly no idea.
Now I know there's no onus on poets to ascribe definite meaning to all or any parts of their writes (and the quality of this piece is perhaps a good argument for why that should be so.) I just want you to have my feedback that your meaning is unclear to some. Regardless - it's a fine write. redTbird
hey, thank you! yeah, i thought it might take a bit of searching into... but there seems to be a lot of confusion regarding this write compared to most of my others so i'm considering either having another go at it or accepting that it might end up being entertaining for only a certain sort of crowd. thanks again for your feedback, it's allllways appreciated. if you ever have critique for me, lay it on. [:
(and just to clarify the prison reference... Attica was meant to be symbolic, like the 'living mountains'.)
(and just to clarify the prison reference... Attica was meant to be symbolic, like the 'living mountains'.)
8th Oct 2011 10:50pm
Anonymous
20th Oct 2011 9:18pm
I just read this again and don't know why I didn't comment before. It comes alive. I like the variations of your styles on the more recent posts. Your tenderness always seems to come through and wink at the reader.
that is so kind of you to say, THM... you caught me off guard with the comment on this alleged tenderness. i'll have to tidy up some holes in my veneer. [:
21st Oct 2011 9:30am
What a beautiful and extraordinary weave of young womanhood. A crush? This is lovely and masterful, Jacki. Truly. You have become such an auteur with your style and technique, I'm more blown away with every line.
My fav parts were the blush with new menses and the sudden but skilled way you put it all in retrospect. Fantastic work.
My fav parts were the blush with new menses and the sudden but skilled way you put it all in retrospect. Fantastic work.
21st Oct 2011 9:37am
that is so flattering, PTM, i think i'll be nominating you for a crown. thank you so much. [:
and yes, it's supposed to be young love forgotten or laid away (by the girl anyway).
and yes, it's supposed to be young love forgotten or laid away (by the girl anyway).
3rd Nov 2011 5:16pm
In New York listening to Tchaikovsky. That paints a picture. Russian very good choice. I listen to more modern Russian Goth. My mother is Czech. Spasibo! Haven't heard his name since I was a kid. Oh! The poem. I love that could never be due to her own hand. That I can relate to. No closure for 3 years now. It's sux but I gotta go on
3rd Nov 2011 6:49pm
well, thanks, A. i have Czech in me somewhere... but that's not saying much, i'm a mutt to the core.
so pleased you're enjoying these writes! i edited the last bit of the poem again since your comment brought me back here... this one just never seems to be done. [:
so pleased you're enjoying these writes! i edited the last bit of the poem again since your comment brought me back here... this one just never seems to be done. [:
Anonymous
12th Dec 2011 5:21pm
is there to say..I'll just add that i loved it too!
12th Dec 2011 7:34pm
3rd Jan 2012 4:07pm
5th Jan 2012 1:35pm
glad it could provide some entertainment. thank you for taking time to leave feedback. [:
