deepundergroundpoetry.com
On top of Sliabh Bannion
I can see it now
Through the dismal mist
Pass the sorrowful heather.
With it's impotent beige bloom
Mossy fungal stone
Strangled by ivy contagion.
Up above,
Jackdaws seeking justice
Squabble and shreik.
Each one with a crown of thorns.
I sit,
Beguiled by a simplistic beauty
Under a pitiful April sky.
Forgetting all the constructions of man.
Up here,
The foundations of convictions
Can start to shake.
I could easily slip
Into the rhythms of ancient silent prayers
And sing softly those tragic hymns,
To doleful face cattle
Chewing obediently on everlasting cud.
Through the dismal mist
Pass the sorrowful heather.
With it's impotent beige bloom
Mossy fungal stone
Strangled by ivy contagion.
Up above,
Jackdaws seeking justice
Squabble and shreik.
Each one with a crown of thorns.
I sit,
Beguiled by a simplistic beauty
Under a pitiful April sky.
Forgetting all the constructions of man.
Up here,
The foundations of convictions
Can start to shake.
I could easily slip
Into the rhythms of ancient silent prayers
And sing softly those tragic hymns,
To doleful face cattle
Chewing obediently on everlasting cud.
Published 3rd Jun 2017
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likes 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I was on top of a mountain with nothing but cows within hundreds of miles of me by the time I finished this. Doleful is such a great word for cattle. If you look into their eyes they're such soulful creatures.
That being said and in the spirit of honest critique, I'd like to suggest the following to the final stanza ( which is the only place I tripped ).
I could easily slip
Into rhythms of ancient silent prayers
^ I lost "the" and can't decide whether to lose ancient or silent, as both aren't needed. I'm leaning toward silent, and prayers are somewhat implied that.
And sing softly those tragic hymns,
To doleful face cattle
^ I'd suggest 'faced'
Chewing obediently on everlasting cud.
^ The word everlasting seems disproportionate here for some reason. The syllabic rhythm is good ... but the actual word seems to stick out like a sore thumb.
Maybe it's attributing something everlasting to simple cud, maybe not. It's just not settling right with me for whatever reason.
Other than those few minor things, it's a beautiful verse of appreciative solitude. Moments I live for.
That being said and in the spirit of honest critique, I'd like to suggest the following to the final stanza ( which is the only place I tripped ).
I could easily slip
Into rhythms of ancient silent prayers
^ I lost "the" and can't decide whether to lose ancient or silent, as both aren't needed. I'm leaning toward silent, and prayers are somewhat implied that.
And sing softly those tragic hymns,
To doleful face cattle
^ I'd suggest 'faced'
Chewing obediently on everlasting cud.
^ The word everlasting seems disproportionate here for some reason. The syllabic rhythm is good ... but the actual word seems to stick out like a sore thumb.
Maybe it's attributing something everlasting to simple cud, maybe not. It's just not settling right with me for whatever reason.
Other than those few minor things, it's a beautiful verse of appreciative solitude. Moments I live for.
3rd Jun 2017 3:18am
3rd Jun 2017 7:12am
Where the sky is clear and broad - what is essential becomes clear
beyond the perfidious and mendacious world of men
We all need such a place to gain perspective before we return
beyond the perfidious and mendacious world of men
We all need such a place to gain perspective before we return
3rd Jun 2017 7:17am
this is divinely inspired you have blessed my eyes with your poetic light..
thank you love Brenda
thank you love Brenda
4th Jun 2017 1:49am
