deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bus stop purgatory.
All is the rain,drenching
Bathing bones
In icy dampness,
Wretchedness compounded.
Dripping Leylandi frantically,
Conceive muddy pools.
Uncaring traffic
With dim melancholy lights
Skulk on by,obedient.
All the world is foreboding
Apprehension suspended
In the swollen air,Negative ions
With primitive hands,tries to seduce
All is the rain,
I remember
Lying on sand
Idly caressing your thigh,
As we watched
surfers skimming along
On glorious waves.
Bathing bones
In icy dampness,
Wretchedness compounded.
Dripping Leylandi frantically,
Conceive muddy pools.
Uncaring traffic
With dim melancholy lights
Skulk on by,obedient.
All the world is foreboding
Apprehension suspended
In the swollen air,Negative ions
With primitive hands,tries to seduce
All is the rain,
I remember
Lying on sand
Idly caressing your thigh,
As we watched
surfers skimming along
On glorious waves.
Published 26th Nov 2017
| Edited 28th Nov 2018
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
26th Nov 2017 2:05pm
Idle moments bring hidden memories to light. I enjoyed this little gem of thought.
Because you have requested honest critique, I would offer the following:
Lose the commas at the end of lines, as there's a natural pause present. The lack of space between the commas midline are distracting. . .why have a comma at all if you can't pause and breathe? Though in keeping with the content, it could be indicative of memories pressing together, pushing through the past as a freight train Not allowing you time to catch your breath.
While capping each line is traditional, it interrupts the flow for me personally. Its a bit too formal for a verse like this. However, if you are going to leave them capped, them by all means leave all the commas to prevent confusion as to if it is or isn't a new sentence.
Lastly, definitely lose "The" prior to "surfers" - totally unneeded.
Because you have requested honest critique, I would offer the following:
Lose the commas at the end of lines, as there's a natural pause present. The lack of space between the commas midline are distracting. . .why have a comma at all if you can't pause and breathe? Though in keeping with the content, it could be indicative of memories pressing together, pushing through the past as a freight train Not allowing you time to catch your breath.
While capping each line is traditional, it interrupts the flow for me personally. Its a bit too formal for a verse like this. However, if you are going to leave them capped, them by all means leave all the commas to prevent confusion as to if it is or isn't a new sentence.
Lastly, definitely lose "The" prior to "surfers" - totally unneeded.
6th Dec 2017 5:39pm
Thank you for a great constructive comment,
Apperceive the insights,
I have rectified the
The mistakes.
Apperceive the insights,
I have rectified the
The mistakes.
26th Nov 2017 10:15pm
