Toast and Jelly

Sorry, this one's a rant.
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I remember walking that day. Walking to the nearest place that had WiFi. So many places still don't offer WiFi to its customers. I hadn't eaten in two days. Hadn't been able to talk to anyone for a day. I had this thought that carried me in my mind, gave me wings. I thought to myself, A reward maybe awaits you when you're able to connect again. I thought about Zac. His face... So beautiful it felt like agony to look at him. I told myself, Maybe if you're able to connect he'll say, I want to see you.  
 
I remember a familiar speech I'd translated into Spanish for a guy on my Facebook. The words that haunt me every night and make the tears fall in hot tiny streams. I'm not good enough for men at this time. I'm too flawed physically. Antidepressants alternately saved and ruined my life at the time. How many times have I said that? Lost so much weight, but not enough. Not enough to be good enough and snare one's heart. I'm forever a booty call. A go to girl when no one else is home. Forever deep in my heart I keep hoping my assets will compensate for my flaws. No. Not good enough.  
 
When I wrote Zac, hot and sweaty and tired from walking, and completely broken from the problems and heartbreak, I can't remember exactly what happened. I desperately needed him. Desperately. He ended up saying something really asshole in pure asshole language, and blocked me. I felt myself falling and falling. I kept thinking of how I feel I have to put on so much foundation now. Because my skin looks so old to me. There are two words that are as pain soaked and traumatic to me as perhaps Auschwitz is to Holocaust survivors. And those words are video chat. Well maybe not as painful as it is to the Holocaust survivors. That's wrong to say.  
 
I still can't block Zac back. I did for five minutes and unblocked him, hoping he hadn't noticed. I cannot get his beautiful face out of my mind. His smile devastates me. His arms in his t-shirts devastate me. As they say in gaming, pure pwnage. Complete and utter defeat. HP to zero in negative three seconds. He once sent me a picture of a girl. I said, Who's this, a sick feeling creeping in my stomach. It's the girl I'm sleeping with. I had to tell him that's one of my few limits with guys. Please don't send me pics of the girl you're making love to. Or whatever. I'm extremely jelly. I'm jam on toast and spread thin. Every time my Messenger goes off I hope it's him. I have this craving to just see his face floating before mine in person. I'd probably pay for just that if I could. Cuz that hot shit deserves to have money thrown at it. And women are infinitely stupid. No, just me...
 
The things my brother said to me yesterday when he saw the furniture missing... Everyone knows you're a fucking lunatic, he said. I thought in my mind, Please don't say things like that, things that I know are true. I was expecting an important package in the mail. I was terrified to walk out my door. I thought he'd run up behind me and lock me out of the house, and I was dirty because I can't just hop in the shower like I used to at any given time of the day. Takes a while to get ready now. The water is so cold from the jugs. I tried keeping it outside in the heat to warm it up, but it didn't seem to help much. At first when I'd pour it over my head to rinse the soap away I'd gasp for air it was so cold. Now strangely I'm used to it, even though it's still uncomfortable...  
 
But my brother said to me, his lip curling in utter hatred, I'm going to smash the modem. He didn't know I'd bought unlimited data on my mom's phone. You stole from me, he said. I didn't mention the sixty dollars I'd given him to pay the internet which for some reason he chose not to. I'd begged him in the note I left on his door, Please talk to me. Why didn't you wake me up? I asked him. He said, Well your note didn't say that. Your note said just to talk to you. I thought about how my brother is one class shy of an economics degree. Top of his class, and they threw a dinner for him. I'd assume he'd know to check my room. I'd waited for him for hours. I got so sleepy. When I realized he'd left again without talking to me, the grief and tears were horrible. I waited for hours again. Yesterday he said, You need to get a fucking job. I had told him I'd had two phone interviews that day for jobs. It's kind of nice now how a lot of people just are content to talk with you on the phone... I really desperately want a job. I want to be self reliant...
 
My brother has a great job now. He drives a badass sports car. I always see him bring in hamburger bags, and my mouth waters. That weekend I didn't have electricity he never came home. I think once. Didn't speak to me when he saw me and left again. I was so hungry. I've asked him to buy me a soda. He always says he doesn't have any cash. He once complained about having to go to his friend's house now to take hot showers. I've started using my shower as storage space. It actually holds a lot of stuff...
 
But I keep wondering why it seems people don't like me when I like them so much. I think human nature works in such a way that people want to work for affection. They don't have to work for it with me. Especially if they're male, and I love them. He just has to blink. I am locking my door now against my brother. Instead of sitting on the front porch which is my sanctuary, I sit now on the back porch. I don't like it as much. I can't believe the man I live with is the same little boy with the big bright green eyes and smiling face who always asked me, Sitter, can you play video games with me? Please, Sitter. He didn't know how to say sister, he was too young.  
 
And I think of my Dad, who used to help me a lot, how this year he threw me a birthday party, and for some reason I started crying during the cake part, I was so worried about everything. And he won't forgive me for that, and won't speak to me. He knows I've been without WiFi and food and water and electricity. Of course it's not his fault. I guess I just sit and think sometimes I must be very unimportant to him. A man who has shaped my life and insides in infinitely endless ways. A man who has been a legend and icon in my existence...
 
I remember growing up with him. Always terrified of saying the wrong thing. He had this thing where he'd snap and change into someone else. He would get so angry, and I wouldn't see it coming, though I remember the constant fear and anxiety in my mind being around him. I'm always extremely nervous around my Dad. He once said to me, You're like a woman who fucks with a guy's head because she enjoys it. He was furious. I didn't understand what he meant, because I was very, very young. I don't even remember what I'd done...
 
But he says I ruined my birthday for everyone. We'd gone to eat, and I'd laughed and appropriately gloated over my gifts, which was genuine delight. But I wanted to go home. I'd been with him and my half brother for hours. I desperately wanted birthday sex, as bad as that is. I thought it would really suck if I couldn't see a dude on my forty third year. I remember my Dad telling me stories about Vietnam when I was nine years old. He desperately needed to tell someone, and he needed comfort. I tried my best to comfort him. To this day I have to block those stories out. I used to be so jealous of Jesus. My dad never seemed to be really affected by me. But he'd talk about Jesus and start weeping with fierce love and emotion. I also got very jealous of young Hispanic girls with him, but that's an entirely different piece and story. Supposedly now my younger half brother wants to beat me up. I guess it floors me how crying for about four seconds maybe really seems to piss people off...
 
I've never felt so much in my life like men want to hurt me, especially physically. But I'm going to try and have a good weekend. And I think if I were jelly, I'd be strawberry jelly. I won't go there either today. I'm really hungry now. What sucks is I'm dirty. I guess I'll break out the jugs. I don't want to walk to the convenience store smelling this way. I'm scared I might not be able to get back inside. I was never provided with a key...
 
But I will be in a good mood today. I might meet a guy today. One who could possibly love me. I'm going with it, let it buoy me up. And though my toaster is broken, buttery toast and jelly sounds really yum yum for my tum tum.