Exact and Precise

for Zac

I woke up this morning and did what
I do every morning, I reached for my
Phone, which is the very first thing I
Do when I'm conscious. I was greeted
With my biggest fear. There were
Uncharacteristically few notifications.
I wondered in horror if I'd snapped
Something embarrassing in my
Sleep. I went outside on my front
Porch. After a few minutes I was able
To discern the net had finally been
Turned off. I feel like I can take
Anything nowadays. I can take
Heartbreak and death, I can handle
Guys using and discarding me...
But people coming at all hours of
The day and night taking away the
Things I need are killing me. I'm
Breaking. Breaking. I've become
Desensitized by porn. I have to watch
A video to orgasm now. Our WiFi
Is perhaps so old I must download
Videos, because the horrible lag
Makes me lose my orgasm. I'm not
Like a guy in that sense, I don't like to
Edge myself. When I want to cum, I
Need to cum. Probably amusingly
Because my clit gets sore. It has
Pained me forever that I can't seem
To teach myself how to have
Strictly vaginal orgasms.
But I thought about you. I
Thought about how you talk to me
Constantly now. All day and all night
Long we share ourselves and share
Our lives. I downloaded pics of you
From your Facebook. You don't know
That, and I'd never tell you. You're
26. I still can't believe how
Devastatingly gorgeous you are.
I have to move all my pics now to
My Google photos, I have no storage
And my phone is so old. It belonged
To my mom, who's been dead over a
Year now. She hated technology
Though she was a brilliant woman.
She'd grow furious and punch
Harshly at the screen and throw the
Phone against the wall. I have been
Hoping, since the day we started
Talking, that I would be able to see
You like we keep planning. Something
Always throws a wrench in our
Plans. You only have your bike,
And I sold my car to pay bills.
You have an intense personality.
You might have a violent temper.
And I love it. It turns me on.
Of course the other night you kept
Tweaking. You're like me, you seem
To perhaps gravitate towards things
That aren't good for you, but that
Will undoubtedly make you feel good.
When you're high you organize
Things. You sent me a pic of how
You organized your amps according
To sound waves. I thought to myself
Humorously, I've found my soulmate.
You have a deliciously logical,
Analytical mind. You draw up plans.
You're a musician, and that
Means I'm really fucked in the ass
By a big thorny cock with no lube.
Typical stupid female.
My dad played guitar for me,
And I'm helpless to a guy with an
Instrument in his hand. I haven't
Felt so electrified by someone in a
Long time. Perhaps it's perverted,
But when I search for porn now, I
Only type in two keywords. Milf and
Young, and it takes care of the rest.
I know the guys are way past legal,
I don't have to concern myself with
Any moral dilemmas for now. But...
I've never felt so horny in my life.
I joke with myself and say my body
Seems to want another kid before the
Nursing home. A man's body has
Never seemed more agonizingly
Beautiful to me. I'm drunk on just
The lines and angles of a male.
And in the video,
The way he lay behind her and
Lifted her leg, and how he seemed
To fit so precisely inside her, the
Lovely wet sliding, I thought of
You. He made noise, and when a
Guy is vocal now, it satisfies the
Most horrible longing in me, and
I climax even quicker. I honestly
Can't imagine such paradise with
You. I'm sure I'd never see you again
If it happened. You'd make me a
One hit wonder. And I don't care.
I'm used to guys busting and fleeing.
I'd always rather love and lose
Than not love at all. I told you what
You do to me when I see you. I told
You my body's precise reactions.
I guess you liked it. Do other women
Feel that way about me, you asked.
It hurt me that you asked that, I
Want to be the only woman you
Care about affecting that way. I know
Such a thing is impossible. I played
Off my pain. I said to you, If they
Don't, they're dumb bitches. You
Laughed. I told you, Don't worry,
You'll find her. I know that her
Is not me, but it's okay, it's aight.
I assume in your life you'll have
Many hers. I want you to be happy.
How can you love someone and
Not wish for their happiness.
Despite the fact I love way too easily
And I'm way too sensitive.
But today in the harrowing silence
Of no internet and my Kik and snap
Not going off constantly as they
Tend to, I had the most violent
Orgasm of my life watching
That video left on my phone.
It only took maybe a minute tops
And I left a literal pool on the sheets.
And I sit outside now
In the cool breeze pondering this
New financial tragedy in a world of
Others, and what to do. But I stare
At your picture on my wallpaper
Set from the one pic of you
I was lucky enough to keep.
It is getting me through. I will have
You someday. I will have you, and
It will be incredible, and
You'll break my heart, and I'll still
Remind myself to be grateful.
I will have you.
Exactly.
Precisely.