deepundergroundpoetry.com
Grounded
The heart of the sky
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes nested
in dirt and fertilizer
Grilled smoke dissipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket wings
their metronome allegro
134 steadied-second beats
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
Am I the only one who feels blessed
by our Critique Series and amazing
critiquers like Johnny Blaze?
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/9350/210/
framed in limbs
A tree shedding
bark like skin
A kaleidoscope of leaves
swarms toward summer
My hair becomes nested
in dirt and fertilizer
Grilled smoke dissipates
in the distance, a sacrifice
unto the god of taste
I hear it in the cricket wings
their metronome allegro
134 steadied-second beats
"April, 'the cruelest month'
is fast approaching"
~
Am I the only one who feels blessed
by our Critique Series and amazing
critiquers like Johnny Blaze?
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/9350/210/
Published 29th Mar 2017
| Edited 3rd Jun 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 17
reading list entries 1
comments 24
reads 1108
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Mar 2017 8:59pm
Here's critique for you my dear...
WRITE more!! Ur amazing! :) ah sorry I hope I wasn't too tough on ya lol
WRITE more!! Ur amazing! :) ah sorry I hope I wasn't too tough on ya lol
29th Mar 2017 11:01pm
29th Mar 2017 10:10pm
April really is the cruelest month!
This piece makes me long for summer. I just want to skip past spring and head straight into the heat.
I do have a little...quibble?...the word kaleidoscope. It's not that it doesn't make sense there. It's not even that it's not a great word. I just feel like maybe it is a bit...expected. Does that make sense?
But really, this piece is well crafted and well done.
This piece makes me long for summer. I just want to skip past spring and head straight into the heat.
I do have a little...quibble?...the word kaleidoscope. It's not that it doesn't make sense there. It's not even that it's not a great word. I just feel like maybe it is a bit...expected. Does that make sense?
But really, this piece is well crafted and well done.
First, thank you and welcome to The Deep Side.
Secondly, I tend to agree with you. Their fluttering reminded me of butterflies, which led to Monarchs, which led to a migration, which led to ... you got it, a kaleidoscope. My poems are never finished. Perhaps this one's double helix of DNA will evolve into alien-hybrid community by the time I'm finished. :D
Lastly, again, thank you. Hopefully you'll participate in our critique series as well. 💜
Secondly, I tend to agree with you. Their fluttering reminded me of butterflies, which led to Monarchs, which led to a migration, which led to ... you got it, a kaleidoscope. My poems are never finished. Perhaps this one's double helix of DNA will evolve into alien-hybrid community by the time I'm finished. :D
Lastly, again, thank you. Hopefully you'll participate in our critique series as well. 💜
29th Mar 2017 10:59pm
29th Mar 2017 11:20pm
Anonymous
30th Mar 2017 00:24am
Could be the reason why
it`s coined: April showers ...
Don`t know much about JBlaze
personally but I`m sure he`s intriguing
as our fellow Poet`s ... ;)
30th Mar 2017 1:19am
A critique of this poem for me would only be how I would've arranged it differently, which is just a personal preference. I do wish the third stanza stayed with the nature theme though...
Enjoyed,
-ed
Enjoyed,
-ed
30th Mar 2017 3:05pm
Wow, Ed. So happy you picked up on that. It was meant to demonstrate how humans disrupt the peaceful meditations in nature, especially by the 'sacrifice' of its animals. Thank you for your thoughts, as always.
Anonymous
30th Mar 2017 8:52pm
i'm so glad we're surrendering summer over to your hemisphere if it means we'll get more of this from you, miss vati
wondrous musing, very cleverly put together
brava
xo
wondrous musing, very cleverly put together
brava
xo
31st Mar 2017 2:25pm
Summer can be gruel indeed, Katja. I always look forward to Autumn before it begins. Thank you. xo
30th Mar 2017 11:25pm
sun sun sun whenz in peaking song..never the cruelest of anything, but blessing:) juz like ur poem, am hardcore lover of sun n summer dear..write on shine on more..beautiful peace xx
31st Mar 2017 2:26pm
Thank you, Uma. All we can do sometimes is wait for the clouds to clear, albeit clouds are refreshing too. xo
31st Mar 2017 4:01pm
Lovely cadence and syntax Tammy and a fitting introduction to the season. Grilled animal flesh smells more enticing than it sounds. ;)
31st Mar 2017 4:20pm
31st Mar 2017 4:21pm
Spring keeps me 'grounded' too, Ahavati. All the new growth really helps to balance my psyche. The cycle of life and death repeats itself...
Simply, a beautiful tribute to change. (:
LostGirl
Simply, a beautiful tribute to change. (:
LostGirl
31st Mar 2017 4:51pm
2nd Apr 2017 8:01pm
such beautiful and original description - I can see everything - I can almost feel it - so well written :-)
I like the word kaleidoscope - If you lie on your back on the grass in Autumn and look up at falling leaves, kaleidoscope is a perfect description - Just a thought :-)
excellent Ink :-)
I like the word kaleidoscope - If you lie on your back on the grass in Autumn and look up at falling leaves, kaleidoscope is a perfect description - Just a thought :-)
excellent Ink :-)
2nd Apr 2017 9:36pm
You're engaging the senses in this one, and I swear someone must have a grill fired up somewhere nearby. :-)
"I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 steadied-second beats"
Is there just one cricket? I know sometimes there's just the one. The "their" makes me think of more than one cricket, though I know it could be referring just to its wings. I'd like to suggest "I hear it in cricket wings." Could be one, could be a chorus.
"I hear it in the cricket's wings
their metronome allegro
134 steadied-second beats"
Is there just one cricket? I know sometimes there's just the one. The "their" makes me think of more than one cricket, though I know it could be referring just to its wings. I'd like to suggest "I hear it in cricket wings." Could be one, could be a chorus.
No! It definitely wasn't one cricket ( though there certainly has been inside! ). I appreciate you catching that and have revised per your suggestion.
I think the consonance of the 's' in crickets wings was a bit too much anyway.
It reads much better now. Thank you again!
I think the consonance of the 's' in crickets wings was a bit too much anyway.
It reads much better now. Thank you again!
Anonymous
8th Jun 2017 1:15am
I have been scrolling through your poems and I must say I absolutely adore and admire your style. It's perfect, just right for my liking, with metaphors inspired by nature that have deep and thought provoking symbolism. Beautiful!
8th Jun 2017 11:47am
