deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost
I can't trust...
Am like a flower that grew through crack's of a broken concrete floor...Trust to my body and soul is like seeking safety in a room without a door...
Am mentally blind...
Cause my thought's are darker than a night without star's...and mind is like a prison without bar's...
Everything I touch burns into ashes...
It's like a seed of failure is planted deep into my thought's...and when that seed turns into a tree it bears fruit's of doubt's...
I was born in a graveyard(ghetto)...
It's a place were talent's and ambition's are buried...a place were reality and dream's can never be married...
Everyday it's a different mask to wear...
It's like the exterior part of the arena is beautiful but inside it's full of broken stages...regrettable thought's of the past are many in my mind like the bible pages...
I lost the path to my dream's...
It feels like am standing next to the sun but I can't see the light...it's like am wearing black goggles that clouds beauty from sight...
Am lost...
Am just a broken pencil in the hand's of a great artist...and the feeling is like am just a last song in God's playlist...
Am like a flower that grew through crack's of a broken concrete floor...Trust to my body and soul is like seeking safety in a room without a door...
Am mentally blind...
Cause my thought's are darker than a night without star's...and mind is like a prison without bar's...
Everything I touch burns into ashes...
It's like a seed of failure is planted deep into my thought's...and when that seed turns into a tree it bears fruit's of doubt's...
I was born in a graveyard(ghetto)...
It's a place were talent's and ambition's are buried...a place were reality and dream's can never be married...
Everyday it's a different mask to wear...
It's like the exterior part of the arena is beautiful but inside it's full of broken stages...regrettable thought's of the past are many in my mind like the bible pages...
I lost the path to my dream's...
It feels like am standing next to the sun but I can't see the light...it's like am wearing black goggles that clouds beauty from sight...
Am lost...
Am just a broken pencil in the hand's of a great artist...and the feeling is like am just a last song in God's playlist...
Published 24th Mar 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
24th Mar 2017 11:28pm
Wow. This is very powerful and intense. I love it! Welcome to the DUP! I have only been here a short time but have learned much. I'd like to offer some feedback because you asked.
I was given the advice at one point to go through one of my poems and remove unnecessary words or punctuation and what I found was the core remained intact but the poem became more powerful...not that you need much help there. I am just doing that and modifying the spaces a bit but not your words. Give it a read and see what you think...
I cannot trust
Like a flower that grew through cracks of a broken concrete floor (great Simile BTW)
Trust to my body and soul is like seeking safety in a room without a door (Great analogy)
Mentally blind
My thoughts darker than a night without stars
Mind is like a prison without bars (Maybe, "with interlocking bars", just a thought as the mind can be a trap)
Everything burns into ashes
Like a seed of failure is planted deep into my thoughts
It becomes a tree bearing fruits of doubt
Born in a graveyard
A place were talents and ambitions are buried
Where reality and dream's can never be married
Everyday, a different mask to wear
A beautiful exterior of the arena but an inside full of broken stages
Thoughts of the past are many in my mind like bible pages
I lost the path to my dreams
Standing next to the sun but I cannot see the light
Wearing black goggles that clouds beauty from my sight
I am damned ("damned" in place of lost, might have more power related to God's play list below but just a thought)
A broken pencil in the hands of a great artist
Feeling (abandoned) Am I just a last song in God's playlist? (leaving the reader to question)
I hope you find this helpful...What you wrote is vulnerability at its best. Please keep writing!
Bless
Mel
I was given the advice at one point to go through one of my poems and remove unnecessary words or punctuation and what I found was the core remained intact but the poem became more powerful...not that you need much help there. I am just doing that and modifying the spaces a bit but not your words. Give it a read and see what you think...
I cannot trust
Like a flower that grew through cracks of a broken concrete floor (great Simile BTW)
Trust to my body and soul is like seeking safety in a room without a door (Great analogy)
Mentally blind
My thoughts darker than a night without stars
Mind is like a prison without bars (Maybe, "with interlocking bars", just a thought as the mind can be a trap)
Everything burns into ashes
Like a seed of failure is planted deep into my thoughts
It becomes a tree bearing fruits of doubt
Born in a graveyard
A place were talents and ambitions are buried
Where reality and dream's can never be married
Everyday, a different mask to wear
A beautiful exterior of the arena but an inside full of broken stages
Thoughts of the past are many in my mind like bible pages
I lost the path to my dreams
Standing next to the sun but I cannot see the light
Wearing black goggles that clouds beauty from my sight
I am damned ("damned" in place of lost, might have more power related to God's play list below but just a thought)
A broken pencil in the hands of a great artist
Feeling (abandoned) Am I just a last song in God's playlist? (leaving the reader to question)
I hope you find this helpful...What you wrote is vulnerability at its best. Please keep writing!
Bless
Mel
27th Mar 2017 3:54pm
Anonymous
8th Jun 2017 2:55pm
i knew by by the first lines ..that i was in for it
""I can't trust...
Am like a flower that grew through crack's of a broken concrete floor...
Trust to my body and soul is like seeking safety in a room without a door... ""
consider me a messy splatter
""I can't trust...
Am like a flower that grew through crack's of a broken concrete floor...
Trust to my body and soul is like seeking safety in a room without a door... ""
consider me a messy splatter
Anonymous
29th Aug 2017 8:07pm
So powerful - first verse very moving
