Lost

Your lips are the kisses of the sanctimonious  
My mind a tired dervish spinning, one corner on  
the ground, another up to the sky  
r e a c h i n g  
  f o r  
something other than this  
aby sssssss  
 
Dear E,  
 
I may, perhaps  
bask in the light of your smile
next month
 
I may even sit by your feet
as you pummel me with questions  
How could you leave?
do you love me now?
Did you ever love me?
 
because I had to, my sweet psychopath
I had to leave  
Wanna know what England's like?
No? Me either, anymore.  
 
On whether I loved you then...
* You were a pretty pretty boy  
from the quiet whirlpool  
of a dead-ass town
nobody loves very much*
 
I couldn't do it, dear.  
I couldn't let my fucking heart
be catapulted six feet in the air
only to have to shovel dirt
away to bury it because
you'd had enough  
 
There are other girls, you know...
I nodded, my heart in my eyes  
because all I saw when I was that young
was love, was you, was our  
future.  
 
I lit a cigarette
flicking the ash
over the side of my  
grandmother's  
    front fence  
 
Talk to you?
me? i'm empty of words...
 
I'm scared,  
one hello could lead
to another hand-hold
another  
night in your arms
 
I'd have to leave
eventually  
(i'm on your side of the
world twice this year)  
I'm not telling anyone  
 
but, If my grandmother  
tells you...
 
wait outside for me
by the gates of your  
house
I'll bring the sunflower seeds
you can bring your empty pockets
 
I'll fill them with hope
 
Sew my mouth shut
so it doesn't vomit vitriol  
secrets I promised i'd keep
   away from your ears
 
You had pretty ears
 
Did you go, are you in  
the Army now?
 
Do you sleep with ghosts
as memories rape your soul?
 
If it pleases you
I'm bawling my eyes out
you were my first love  
my first whole
 
I never said
how when we first met
and the family car wasn't
parked in the driveway
I'd lose my mind  
sit out all night...
waiting, hoping, watching.  
 
My grandmother would say
"They've gone to such and such
on a family visit"  
 
I would play  
Misket
(Marbles)
without really  
knowing how to play
 
I'd chew the fuck  
out of my nails
until they bled  
because I wanted you
with me  
every hour of every day
 
My mother insists  
'He was just a crush'  
but you were all  
I ever wanted
 
I'm scared
of seeing you
I'm scared
of everything  
I can't  
hold you  
if you come  
by  
soon.  
 
because I will  
come undone  
in your arms
like I used to..  
 
    My a p o l o g i e s  
mean  
  n o t h i n g  
 
 
 
 
 
---- Author's notes  
Fuck it  
Fuck you
Fuck...