deepundergroundpoetry.com
Heart of the strong
I now need a heart of the strong
To weather this wicked storm,
For I have suffered for so long
I am frozen, make me warm.
I could use a soul of the wise
Those who lived beyond their years,
For I have no more alibis
To save me from sins and fears.
I would like a mind of brilliance
To tackle society,
Give me strength and resilience
To face impropriety.
I want to be chiseled like stone
So they'll notice me in a crowd,
I will never again be alone
Friends flatter and make me feel proud.
I now need a heart of the weak
To help me realize what I lost,
Thought I had a good winning streak
'All I had' is just what it cost.
To weather this wicked storm,
For I have suffered for so long
I am frozen, make me warm.
I could use a soul of the wise
Those who lived beyond their years,
For I have no more alibis
To save me from sins and fears.
I would like a mind of brilliance
To tackle society,
Give me strength and resilience
To face impropriety.
I want to be chiseled like stone
So they'll notice me in a crowd,
I will never again be alone
Friends flatter and make me feel proud.
I now need a heart of the weak
To help me realize what I lost,
Thought I had a good winning streak
'All I had' is just what it cost.
Published 13th Mar 2017
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14th Mar 2017 3:15pm
Thank you for your words as I can hear the struggle in your subject. “I am frozen, make me warm”…love this! I understand the desire to be loved and holding on beyond it’s time; hoping for it to be unconditional. Then, the idea of needing to have the perfect image to attract someone and that idea being reinforced by society…Fantastic! Also, needing to be strong at the beginning and vulnerable at the end for reflection, so true.
I have made some suggestions per your request and tried to explain why I made them. I hope it make sense… Feel free to take them or leave them but I hope you find them helpful.
(I now need) a heart of the strong (maybe Needing)
To weather this wicked storm, (no need for comma as the end of the line creates a natural pause)
For I have suffered for so long (Maybe “far too” in place of “for so” to emphasize duration)
I am frozen, make me warm.
(I could use) a soul of the wise (another word here to emphasize need would create more intensity or necessity… Warranting would be a nice alliteration of “W”)
(Those who lived) beyond their years, (maybe living) – no comma necessary
For I have no more alibis
To save me from sins and fears.
(I would like) a mind of brilliance (maybe requiring…implies desperation)
To (tackle) society, (Confront might be more powerful here) – No comma necessary
(Give me strength and) resilience (Provide me with)
To face impropriety.
I want to be chiselled (spelling) like stone (Desire to be a chiselled stone… would be great use of a metaphor here)
So they'll notice me in a crowd,
I will never again be alone (maybe rearrange slightly for intensity…Never again to be alone)
Friends flatter and make me feel proud. (You could remove feel as it is implied) (Others flatter would be more encompassing in place of friends)
(I now need) a heart of the weak (maybe Needing now)
To (help me realize) what I (have) lost, (Maybe recognize would work for rhythm and add have
Thought I had a good winning streak (You could remove good as it is implied by winning)
All I had, (is just) what it cost. (was)
Have a read and see how you feel and what you think…Still all you, just slightly tweaked
Needing a heart of the strong
To weather this wicked storm
For I have suffered far too long
I am frozen, make me warm
Warranting a soul of the wise
Living beyond their years
For, I have no more alibis
To save me from sins and fears
Requiring a mind of brilliance
To confront society
And provide me with resilience
To face impropriety
Desire to be a chiselled stone
So they'll notice me in a crowd
Never again to be alone
Others flatter and make me proud
Needing now a heart of the weak
To recognize what I have lost
Thought I had a winning streak
All I had, was what it cost
I have made some suggestions per your request and tried to explain why I made them. I hope it make sense… Feel free to take them or leave them but I hope you find them helpful.
(I now need) a heart of the strong (maybe Needing)
To weather this wicked storm, (no need for comma as the end of the line creates a natural pause)
For I have suffered for so long (Maybe “far too” in place of “for so” to emphasize duration)
I am frozen, make me warm.
(I could use) a soul of the wise (another word here to emphasize need would create more intensity or necessity… Warranting would be a nice alliteration of “W”)
(Those who lived) beyond their years, (maybe living) – no comma necessary
For I have no more alibis
To save me from sins and fears.
(I would like) a mind of brilliance (maybe requiring…implies desperation)
To (tackle) society, (Confront might be more powerful here) – No comma necessary
(Give me strength and) resilience (Provide me with)
To face impropriety.
I want to be chiselled (spelling) like stone (Desire to be a chiselled stone… would be great use of a metaphor here)
So they'll notice me in a crowd,
I will never again be alone (maybe rearrange slightly for intensity…Never again to be alone)
Friends flatter and make me feel proud. (You could remove feel as it is implied) (Others flatter would be more encompassing in place of friends)
(I now need) a heart of the weak (maybe Needing now)
To (help me realize) what I (have) lost, (Maybe recognize would work for rhythm and add have
Thought I had a good winning streak (You could remove good as it is implied by winning)
All I had, (is just) what it cost. (was)
Have a read and see how you feel and what you think…Still all you, just slightly tweaked
Needing a heart of the strong
To weather this wicked storm
For I have suffered far too long
I am frozen, make me warm
Warranting a soul of the wise
Living beyond their years
For, I have no more alibis
To save me from sins and fears
Requiring a mind of brilliance
To confront society
And provide me with resilience
To face impropriety
Desire to be a chiselled stone
So they'll notice me in a crowd
Never again to be alone
Others flatter and make me proud
Needing now a heart of the weak
To recognize what I have lost
Thought I had a winning streak
All I had, was what it cost
14th Mar 2017 3:46pm
Wow, thanks for the in-depth critique! I really appreciate it. I'll take a look when I get a few minutes and I really do like these, it helps. Thanks as always :)
