ANTI-LIFE DECIPHERING

 
   
up all night  
again  
anti life deciphering  
this present  
latest  relative hell  
ive contrived here  
for myself  
will show on me  
tomorrow morning  
or eventually  
seems almost as if  
the co creator in me  
for whatever reason  
unknown  
has chosen  
beyond  
my free will choices  
alone  
that i must never rest  
in order to  
accept  
and find some way  
to make peace  
with myself  
and with all my personal  
although presently unforeseen  
even more unknown  
hidden  innermost  
subconscious demons  
the hard way  
i guess  
with whatever  
further  
hardships  challenges  
sudden obstacles  
and necessary  
still pending  
vital life lessons       
sufferings here  
i must  
as intentionally chosen  
to be taken on  
by my very spirit  
and soul  
before i even  
came to reenter  
and be here  
in this wondrously beautiful  
ineffably mysterious  
temporal  
life and world s
school of hard knock s
ups and downs
down and outs
relentless struggles
to find my way
to find my place
to find out where
i might best
fit in
to all of this
experiential futility
in which it seems
and too often feels
as if i m either
getting stuck
or fluctuating back
and forth
here
within my own
innate  broken sense
of what seems like
lost and foundness
which usually leaves me
with my head
still dizzyingly spinning
trying to get both
my bearings
and my head
back on straight
in the lingering after wake
of it s restless  after state
here in this illusory
human world s
only temporal
passing realms
of suffering and bliss
leaving me feeling
even more
lost or found
than ever before
here in my soul s
perpetual
hungry quest
for as much more
inner spiritual growth
as i can get
each new time
around
again