deepundergroundpoetry.com

The Fieldfare

Down by the old buckthorn bush
where grey fieldfare come to nest
grasses grow and warm winds blow
and I lay my weary head to rest

Out there near the seashore
where the tide has come to call
I wonder if you're watching
past the prison of your walls

As I soak up all the flavors
of the fragrance in the air
I close my eyes and ponder
if you would ever reappear

But time tics on by so quickly
those moments turn into years
I look out among the currents
alone with fieldfare and my tears

Written by JusTim_

Published 27th Jan 2017

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

likes 5 reading list entries 0

comments 8 reads 1034

Commenting Preference:

The author encourages honest critique.

Re. The Fieldfare

Ahavati (Tams)

27th Jan 2017 7:18pm

This is an excellent little write based on a traditional form that I enjoy reading, especially aloud. The mood is somber yet not dire. It strikes the reader as both nostalgic and reflective over past circumstance and current positioning. It's relative in the sense that everyone who reads it should connect in some form of experience with it, and thus empathize with the somewhat melancholy nature of it.

Because you have asked for honest critique, I'm going to offer some for places where my tongue slipped:

I wonder if your watching - you're* (I know it's just a typo or auto-correct; however, in reading poetry its a somewhat biggie)

But time tics on by so quickly - do you really need both on and by? On in this context implies by, and by implies on.
those moments turn into years - read this line aloud with to instead of into?
I look out among the currents - do you need out?
alone with fieldfare and my tears - perhaps a bit of syntax reworking here? alone with my fieldfare tears

Read it with the suggestions:

But time ticks on so quickly
those moments turn to years
I look among the currents
alone with my fieldfare tears

The final verse in poetry is so important because it's the foundation from which the reader will stand firmly upon once done. If that foundation cracks or sinks, you will have left nothing solid for the reader to take home with them. To reflect for hours or even a lifetime.

These are just suggestions per your request. Please take with a grain of salt.

Overall I enjoyed the write.