deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dear Last Night, Goodbye
"I lost another night...."
"One moment I had it resting perfectly on my shoulder
Then a sudden wind blew and carried it out into the darkness,
AGAIN!!!......."
Next thing I knew, it was morning
Bits of paper scattered 'round
I worked 'til dawn on nothing
Yet to me, it was "So Profound"
Maybe the words I've written
Will reach someone, someday!
But for now, they'll just sit idle
Lonely words, left on the page
I'll say this! I'll miss the focus
I'm so creative when you're here
But I'll lose all I've fought to gain
That's far too much, my dear
I'm taking back my nights now!
To myself I must be true
We cannot do this anymore
I don't belong to you !!
"One moment I had it resting perfectly on my shoulder
Then a sudden wind blew and carried it out into the darkness,
AGAIN!!!......."
Next thing I knew, it was morning
Bits of paper scattered 'round
I worked 'til dawn on nothing
Yet to me, it was "So Profound"
Maybe the words I've written
Will reach someone, someday!
But for now, they'll just sit idle
Lonely words, left on the page
I'll say this! I'll miss the focus
I'm so creative when you're here
But I'll lose all I've fought to gain
That's far too much, my dear
I'm taking back my nights now!
To myself I must be true
We cannot do this anymore
I don't belong to you !!
Published 5th Jan 2017
| Edited 8th Dec 2017
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 858
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Jan 2017 10:50am
The meter is a bit off from line to line across the stanzas and the rhyme feels a little forced, but the message is strong and confident so overall I like it.
JJ
JJ
5th Jan 2017 1:05pm
there is so much written that can be torn up
& discarded before something worth keeping is composed;
the nights belong to what makes you better.
nice poem...
& discarded before something worth keeping is composed;
the nights belong to what makes you better.
nice poem...
5th Jan 2017 1:09pm
5th Jan 2017 5:59pm
Hullo
I read this on my phone, it looked a bit off til I rotated the screen, can now see it as it was written
I like the poem, I think your commas are well placed to dictate the pauses and such
not sold on all the " <- quotation things at the start, but hey
stanzas read well, you've a good strong voice. sometimes when we swap words like "while" for "as" it doesn't really sit well
I like the way you broke out of the norm, take a bit of guts.
only constructive idea I can offer is to have a read of it again and see if there's anything you can trim off
good stuff, shine on
I read this on my phone, it looked a bit off til I rotated the screen, can now see it as it was written
I like the poem, I think your commas are well placed to dictate the pauses and such
not sold on all the " <- quotation things at the start, but hey
stanzas read well, you've a good strong voice. sometimes when we swap words like "while" for "as" it doesn't really sit well
I like the way you broke out of the norm, take a bit of guts.
only constructive idea I can offer is to have a read of it again and see if there's anything you can trim off
good stuff, shine on
6th Jan 2017 6:14pm
excellent workings - never throw anything away - I have filing cabinets full of unfinished stuff; I go back to it when I have writers block and end up writing or re-writing something that's good enough. Also, do not always rely on your own opinion of your own work - test the water, see what others think. I have written many a poem that I thought was not good enough only to find that many others did :-)
great ink :-)
great ink :-)
1st Dec 2017 10:32am
Ironically, "focus n flow" are never on my mind when I ink...I truly just let my soul go... not sure if that makes sense, but that's how it comes to me....
