deepundergroundpoetry.com
Holed up
I am holed up here,
about to disappear.
Don't pull me out.
you might fall into it and lose your wit,
for it's a bottomless pit and
There's a universe in it.
about to disappear.
Don't pull me out.
you might fall into it and lose your wit,
for it's a bottomless pit and
There's a universe in it.
Published 2nd Jan 2017
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jan 2017 7:40pm
The emotional impact of this is indicative of depression. Since you've requested honest critique, it could use some tidying up to solidify it.
Holed up
I am holed up here, (<-- line breaks indicate pauses so the comma is really unwarranted)
about to disappear.
Don't pull me out. (<-- the all stop here interrupts the flow into the next line, considering the 'you' is lower case)
you might fall into it and lose your wit, (<<-- again, the comma is unnecessary with a line break)
for it's a bottomless pit and
There's a universe in it.
I really really like that final couplet but it could use some tightening. Is the 'and" really needed? Is the 'for' really needed? What if it read: it's a bottomless pit/There's a Universe in it? You could use an all-stop after pit, or perhaps lower the case on 'There's' to continue the statement.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the impact through such brevity.
Welcome to the Deep Side. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry.
Holed up
I am holed up here, (<-- line breaks indicate pauses so the comma is really unwarranted)
about to disappear.
Don't pull me out. (<-- the all stop here interrupts the flow into the next line, considering the 'you' is lower case)
you might fall into it and lose your wit, (<<-- again, the comma is unnecessary with a line break)
for it's a bottomless pit and
There's a universe in it.
I really really like that final couplet but it could use some tightening. Is the 'and" really needed? Is the 'for' really needed? What if it read: it's a bottomless pit/There's a Universe in it? You could use an all-stop after pit, or perhaps lower the case on 'There's' to continue the statement.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the impact through such brevity.
Welcome to the Deep Side. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry.
3rd Jan 2017 7:43am
Thank you ahavati for your honest comments. I am new to writing and terrible with punctuation. Don't have much of formal education. Your comments will certainly improve my writing. Thanks once again. The -dropout
3rd Jan 2017 10:01pm
I look forward to watching your growth, Dropout. You're not as far from it as you think. You've got the 'thing'.
