deepundergroundpoetry.com
Road to nowhere
I was on the road to nowhere,
You appeared on the billboard somewhere,
Your bright beauty captivated my senses,
Was thrown off the road into the dark trenches.
I cried out to you to pull me out,
You just hung there with your impertinent pout.
It dawned on me that you just a lifeless art,
I gathered my self to make a new start,
Ready to dare and for no more billboards I care, I am back on the road to nowhere.
You appeared on the billboard somewhere,
Your bright beauty captivated my senses,
Was thrown off the road into the dark trenches.
I cried out to you to pull me out,
You just hung there with your impertinent pout.
It dawned on me that you just a lifeless art,
I gathered my self to make a new start,
Ready to dare and for no more billboards I care, I am back on the road to nowhere.
Published 2nd Jan 2017
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Jan 2017 1:27pm
2nd Jan 2017 7:48pm
You really have a way with metaphorical expression that I enjoy. Again, because you have requested honest critique, I'll offer the following in hopes it helps somewhat.
I was on the road to nowhere, (is the comma really necessary?)
You appeared on the billboard somewhere, (again, the comma)
Your bright beauty captivated my senses, (and yet again, the comma. I would suggest an all-stop here.)
Was thrown off the road into the dark trenches.
I cried out to you to pull me out, (is there another word you could use to substitute for the second 'out'? Look at a synonym and see what you discover)
You just hung there with your impertinent pout. (Is 'just' really needed? Impertinent pout is great alliteration)
It dawned on me that you just a lifeless art, ('you' should be 'you're' - I would recommend and all-stop here.)
I gathered my self to make a new start, (my self is one word)
Ready to dare and for no more billboards I care, I am back on the road to nowhere.
(^ This could be divided, i.e. - [...]I care/
I am back on the road to nowhere.
Again, I really enjoy your style and look forward to reading more.
I was on the road to nowhere, (is the comma really necessary?)
You appeared on the billboard somewhere, (again, the comma)
Your bright beauty captivated my senses, (and yet again, the comma. I would suggest an all-stop here.)
Was thrown off the road into the dark trenches.
I cried out to you to pull me out, (is there another word you could use to substitute for the second 'out'? Look at a synonym and see what you discover)
You just hung there with your impertinent pout. (Is 'just' really needed? Impertinent pout is great alliteration)
It dawned on me that you just a lifeless art, ('you' should be 'you're' - I would recommend and all-stop here.)
I gathered my self to make a new start, (my self is one word)
Ready to dare and for no more billboards I care, I am back on the road to nowhere.
(^ This could be divided, i.e. - [...]I care/
I am back on the road to nowhere.
Again, I really enjoy your style and look forward to reading more.
3rd Jan 2017 8:27am
