An Unstoppable Force

11/10/2016

Last Tuesday was the 2nd of the month, on which we practice Metta or Loving Kindness. Before our sit, we listened to a talk by the master of my master, Jack Kornfield, entitled, Intention of the Bodhisattva. Here is a link to it.

https://jackkornfield.com/heart-wisdom-ep-22-bodhisattva/

I feel that wise intention is perhaps the most important of all Buddhist tenets, because one has to first pause and decide that they will make the effort to speak and act in kindness before that kind speech or action can occur.

During the talk, we were asked to sit a few moments in silence and to decide for ourselves what our intention of the bodhisattva would be.

..

This is the foreword to my book, Eyes Only: A Tidy Gathering of Indiscretions, in which the poem below appears.

When you do it like I do, and it gets
So very personal, its huge
Larger than is fashionable, truly
In conversation, I remember times
I had asked for silence in company and
Spoke to them words I had gathered
In the quietude, which thunders through
Me, and I know how to say, at least
What eludes me
I can phrase the questions
Powerfully

And everyone would listen, but
Some in derision, just couldn’t accept that
I could demand 15 or 20 minutes
Of their
Attention
So I waited to be asked
To speak
I waited a long time, it seems
For a few occasions

What I’m getting at is, when you do what I do
And it gets so very personal, that the in between
Times, also undergo a certain
Scrutiny
That is of course invited
By my public airing of grievances and moments
That were meaningful
And learned me things
So in between times, it’s not at all so
Serious
Or emotional
Or full of angry sadness
Or righteous fury
But much calmer
And sillier times, when I work or keep to
Myself
And occasionally embrace a girl
In a friendly way

It’s best to keep things friendly and then
When it counts
And the moment arrives for it
Everything else comes
Out
Explodes with it
I guess I am considered
Deceptive
For this
But, it seems what’s right to me
Like people did it centuries ago
Just be cordial and try to entertain
If I enjoy your company
And wait to be asked

So I waited
And it seemed a very long time
To wait
For a few occasions

I hope that answers questions I’ve seen
On your faces, sometimes or openly asked
Like a friend wrote me saying,
I seem quite preoccupied with
Dying
I understand that’s how it seems
But there’s lots I don’t talk about, because its
Comfortable
To move
Quietly
In different
Circles
Love
Privately

I have become
After
All
That has
Been
Said and
Done
The soul of discretion

..

04/20/09
An Unstoppable Force

When you lose your way, it’s best to start from the beginning.

In the presence of hateful men is a wisdom that burns. It was my sin, to forget this.

Truth is central to my philosophy. Wisdom, its heavy form, a terrible burden, now burns its way like phantom antlers across my shoulders.

Strength has reared its many heads and multiple ugly faces in my life. I will embrace this death, embrace this change, even though, at times, it is a terrible foe to face.

It is now time, that they all have gathered, believing me now weak enough to be challenged. Now is when I shall prove the courage of my conviction. You will know that I am a titan. By definition, a giant among men. By action, a master of great achievement. Let us begin.

First on our agenda, my jury
Composed of my so called
Peers
Smearing their lyrical
Jeers
In tones of sudden
Elevation
You believe now
That you stand above me
So be it, my friends
I will climb right over you
To attain the heights I shall need
To spread life
For the word is the life
The light of humanity
Commune
Or
Communication

So that my best friend and his girlfriend
Could assuage each other’s guilt and shame
I was accused of atrocity
I admit to lying, only
About the small love, we shared
And told anyone who wished to hear it
That we had not been intimate
And now, any that have passed the test
Remained at my side, through a moment
Of weakness
Those have earned the right to hear
The whole story

Some might consider that a person like myself
Who preaches so mightily for truth
For dignity
To commit such a terrible sin
Reveals the worst hypocrisy
I imagine that you would be right
Today, I have been a hypocrite

My strength lies not
In perfection
But in its most dogged pursuit
And I can tell you
This day
Without reservation
That I am wiser
Stronger
It is by way of faults
And mistakes
That I have grown

And dare you deny, even now
That I have spoken with the voice
That echoes with thunder
And so again, I shall
For now
Is my rebirth

When you turn away from truth
The only choice
Is to reveal your lies
Or keep lying
A simple choice, so
I choose the former

Let us unfurl the roster
What crimes have I
The culprit
The offender
The malefactor
Namely, myself
Committed without remorse
With a villain's treacherous capacity
To perform the unthinkable

The accused stands
Before you
Walking with a willing stride
To the judgment
In this so called, terrible hour
When I have been brought so low
Or so
It would seem

The accused stands charged with these
Offenses
False friendship
A false face thrown over
A false voice
A broken sincerity
A dishonest
Dishonored
Destroyer of love
An opportunist
Even
A ravager

To become one's true self
We need only cast off
The false
The pall that is thrown over our faces
To create, in the minds of others
A monster
Something to abhor
A tool of separation
For my ex friend, full of guile
But, no true wisdom
Believes that by defaming me to others
I shall grow weaker

To become one’s true self
We need only cast off
The false
That which we craft for ourselves
Though our intentions may have been
Somewhat
Noble
More so, selfish
This truth, the love between myself
And a certain sweet young lady
It was our secret
Our naughty little magic
And, though, now
She has thrown me to wolves
To escape the wrath of her lover's
Wounded pride
Truth and honor remain
Mine

I am brave
Not proud

I shall shed this old, false skin
With the ease of a serpent
Whom, by way of growth
Its definition
Too broad for its former casting
Bursts forth
And it has little to do with choice
My so called friends
More to do with the emergence
Of a truer nature

If you would know me
Look on me now
And with such sibilant grace
Defiant to the end of day
I retain the light
Long after the inky spill of dark
And death knell of night
Surrounds

You have gathered round about
My rivals
Are you bold enough, now
To face me
When our shared humanity
Is plain for all to see

Shall I take a knee
To invite your strikes
Do you truly believe
That I will ever fall
In the face of scrutiny
Ever
Again

I have learned that lesson
Well
Death
Before dishonor

And so, here is my full confession
That which my best friend
Is not man enough to hear me speak

I have indulged in the worst blindness
A willful blindness
I have loved not wisely
But too well
I have suffered the fall of Shakespeare’s
Ill fated
Moor
However
Iago
Was also myself
All the tragic characters
Flowing through me
Their charade
My everyday

For a little while
At the beginning of this tale
Several years ago
I loved a young girl
All of my great heart was hers
Far too much so
For there was no balance of powers
My reason had been utterly deserted

Through the constant vacuum that whines
In circles
About the ugliest of emotions
Fear, jealousy
Eclipsing the voice that had once brought her
Comfort
Closer to god
She called it
When I spoke softly
Words of beauty

But I strayed too far
From the path
For far too long
With rough hands
I had strangled her affections
Murdering our love
With irrationality
A need to possess fully
The unfathomable
The very mote of her soul

It was in this time, when she was torn
Between loyalty and abhorrence
Both seeming equals in measure
My girlfriend had met my best friend
David
He had an easy manner, all charm
All seeming goodness
She loved him with devotion, but for me
Cold flesh
He was the far more blessed

As I slowly began to allow myself
Understanding
In all ways that mattered, she was his
Hate began to fill in
Spaces that her love had been
And, rather than hate my innocent friend
For his unfortunate beauty
His natural desirability
I embraced him
Pushed the woman I adored to the side
Turning with great force to his side

He seemed a good, courageous man
Worthy of devotion
Years began to pass as I walked in his shadow
Though, it seemed at times
That he should walk in mine
His strides were not great
He was all guile and illusion
A master of misdirection
His libidinous and two faced flatteries
Lending to his features
A false fire

I saw but did not look
Employing much deception in his dalliances
He was obtuse when the damage
He had caused to others
Was forced before his face
He never could own his deeds, or himself
His insides were frozen solid
Stiff with feigned indifference
He was simply too afraid of his own heart
Drowning its beats in alcoholic debauchery

Sharpening his wit and skills in coitus
In a vain hope that no greater depth
Should be plumbed
He fears no man
He fears his own soul

I appreciated his stubborn efforts to extricate
My bulbous, brooding form
From this faded green tin can
Coaxing me forth
Like a stubborn bit of slime
Sliding lethargically
To drip from the lid
With a dull splat
Into his hand

To be courted from my self-imposed exile
It seemed the highest compliment
That I had ever received
Such a vibrant person had chosen me
To walk at his side, though
Just a step behind
He was always the master
Of our time, demanding my arrivals
Commanding departures
My loyalty was blind
My obedience
A central contingent of our relations

There were many signs, I ignored
In his subtle desire to extinguish in me
All that which he was not capable of
Depth, courage, honesty
He sought to hone his crafts
In my flesh
Prove his greatness
By dishonoring mine
He has proven to be a swine
Accusing me of terrible things
In a maddened attempt
To return my slight

I’m so sorry to hurt you, David
But, you had broken up
She seduced me with gentle love
And I her, with gentle strength
Please forgive me someday, but
Do it for yourself
Don’t fill with hate

I am not innocent here
I did share something physical
Briefly, with the wrong girl
At the wrong time
One whom he called
“Mine”
With his mouth
Referring only to himself
With a child’s evil
And he made sure that I heard
Him utter this magic word
When I was in earshot
My old friend

No
Please don’t play
The fucking head games
Why don’t you know
Trust me
To respond with truth
I’m too smart
Too strong for this

It was important to his design
That I know, more than she needed to understand
That she was his, though
The great irony lie
On the inside
Her heart
Her mind
Were her own
Why is it a sin to love two men
Differently

He owns, now
A vain infatuation
An illusion of a girl
I had learned, from my previous mistakes
That a person can never be considered
One’s property

Now, for the actual crime
That, consequently, does not exist
That for which the accused has been
Crucified
In the eyes of his peers

David had spurned her, one night
Cast her from his life, seemingly
With the earnest desire that she never return
Though it was a test
To see if she was his
Truly his, a toy
A marionette, that when its strings
Are jerked harshly
Will dance to life
Soaring back to your hand

She and I had believed it best
For there was no love in him
Only vicious hatreds that had long lingered
Beneath his smiling visage

I counseled him to leave her
And her to leave him
And never did I intend
To come between them
My initial motivations, were pure
Restore their balance
Which is to say
Their peace of mind
Which lies in privacy
The careful examination
Exoneration
Of ugly emotion
Giving rise to evil
In action

Throwing many foul, personal
And wounding imprecations at her
In his vile attempt
To break her to service
She was lost, twisting in the wind
Wondering why she had become so devoted
To a selfish and hurtful man
Whose first inclination
At any sign of trouble
Is to lie to himself
His lover
And friends

It was in this time, when she and I
Had been filled with the same emotions
The same confusions
That we found each other
And suddenly
Found each other fair
The love between us grew slowly
To this point
Lingered in a sweet agony
And died today
It was beautifully short lived

It was pleasing, at first
To touch minds
Compare in a delight
Of seeming similarity
Intelligence that could pass between us
We only adored each other’s words

This progressed naturally
Through mutual expressions of affection
Of shared admiration
Into the sharing of some time
To learn about one another
More fully
Try to understand why
We filled each other with smiles.

His resistance of our gentle efforts
To forge a friendship
Had marred our growing love
And the first time she came to me
After being rebuked by him
For his crimes she had committed
In his imagination
I held her, spoke to her
Soothing words, attempting to dispel
Unjust hurts
With reason
How could I not
She was ragged, alone
Lost
Even now
I understand

We did nothing else
I healed her a bit
She returned to his heel willingly
So he could love her body
But never
Her soul
I offered no protest
Out of respect
I still have immense respect, but
Am not being treated in kind
It's a pity

They should know that I would openly
Roar
Truth

She had extended no invitation
On our first night together
We gathered, it seemed
Just to huddle beneath
The black storm cloud
That David had become
Awaiting his thunder

We discussed nothing else
Only our wonder
At why my friend
Was being so awful

On another occasion, the night in question
We had been drawn
Magnetically, to one another
Our hurts pulsing in time
Our longings mirrored
In the purest desire
To share the simple comfort

We were both lost
Searching
In need of some small affirmation
That we were both, truly
Lovable
We had both learned to grow cold
Loveless
In the presence of hateful men

It was pure, full of tenderness
Compassion
And, after all
We thought that David was out of the picture
He had been texting her for hours
Cruel words, the cruelest I had ever seen
I couldn’t believe
This was my old friend

We had tried to convince each other
And ourselves
That it was nobody’s business
Nobody would understand
How innocent it had been

But truth always comes out
First, through the eyes
Proceeding directly down
Into the mouth
Cracks like a whip
Against your tongue
In its urgency
To do surgery
To your features
My life is now a mess, but
I’ve never been so strong

I don’t regret it
My friend, though in some ways kind
Was a very arrogant and disrespectful man
Constantly intimating my
Inferiority to him
I showed him the error of both our ways
I'm sorry though, that it came to this

Sometimes
You hurt the ones you love
The ones that love you, hurt you
And sometimes they
Demand that you obey
I will not
No one will
Forever

The brief, doomed love affair
It was something we both needed
At the time
Nothing more
I just regret the really ugly lies
We were both willing sinners
Committing no true sin
Only a temporary love
To soothe the empty hours

It hurts that we all have lied
All of us
And we thought we were such close friends
Brothers
Hubris is a stabbing pitchfork
A rake hidden by leaves
Stepped on and, summarily
Slapping me
In the face
Worse than fists
Is the shame
And I had thought myself such an honest
Person
Perhaps I am now

I have a lot to be ashamed of
Apathy, cowardice
When these were an easier embrace than
Meeting and mastering challenges
Rather than climbing over obstacles
And becoming a man
I will make the effort

I committed no crime
Invited to every touch and when
We both were plastered, a brief
Connection was formed
Nothing more
It was so brief, that it’s ridiculous
To face so much scorn
You’d laugh if it was on YouTube
I’m sure

I did hurt my best friend
Murdered his love
I am a murdering bastard
Though I feel much remorse
I feel things like this occur
So that your true friends can be separated
From amongst those who do not truly care for you
So that your true self can emerge
From that which you wore
Over that person
I guess David didn’t care about me
I guess I didn’t care about him
Either

I never believed it before when people said
It just happens
But now that I've lived it
You end up standing there
Holding the bag you just shit in
Waiting for someone to punch it

Anyways, I understand if my betrayal
Has cost you all respect for me
My friends
At the time
It seemed the wisest course, but
Of course
In retrospect, we shouldn't have told
Until asked, and then
Been honest
Having missed that opportunity
Accept this one, or
Fuck off

Though recent, my lies are
Over
I will not be judged
By the standards of the past
I will grow, everyday
Commanding myself
To become stronger

I do feel great remorse, after all
And I realize now that my
Sometimes lies
Are briefly reasonable
I cannot help what my feelings
Lead me to believe
Will be insurmountable
I can only apologize
And move forward

I feel bad for my old friend, his pride so injured
By this lie
He can’t even accept that a girl
He loved
Could also
Willingly
Comfort me a little

Thus my new name is
Ravager
May it crown my head
Anoint my brow with oil
For thou art with me
Will you deafen mine enemies
Cause them to fall before me
Lord God
I stand naked
Before them that are clothed
Your crimson aura
Humbling the proudest of men
Softening
The hardest of hearts

I know, even after all this
Lying and
Betrayal
You must feel my truth
Speaking to you

A small comfort
A lie, repeated in the face of scrutiny
Becomes a wound
That others can see
A fear that denies us the right
To speak candidly
I am truly speaking
Now

I have sufficiently humbled myself
To redress my recent wrongdoing
And aren’t I a tragic
Villain
Perhaps by this method, I shall attract
My own love
One worthy of my
Mostly honest heart

Lost friends
I’m so sorry
And I’m also sorry
That you forced me to write this
What you have perpetrated against me
Against my name
Is truly terrible
What choice do I have
If you will stop now
I would be glad to as well

I have recanted all my lies
Exposed all my doings
Wrong or otherwise, for
I understand that, of the three in this
Triangle
I am the strongest
No matter what happens next

The whys have been made
Clear to you all
My critics
You have been given
My life
Given my account of matters
That should have remained
Private
And my answer to this,
Being betrayed by a girl
Whom I dared to love a little
And with great tenderness
But, ultimately
Unwisely

Being impugned by a friend
Who stood alone
In regard
Whom I had never spoken ill of
Before
And shall never
Again
For I know that, inside
There must be a good man
Somewhere
To have earned so much love
I must have faith in that

Being thrown to wolves
I am calm
And without protest
Will I bear the scorns that this
Veracity
Shall open me to
I shall return love for hatred
Courage for fear
It is in this manner that I shall be
An unstoppable force
I shall become love
Giving birth to the new god
Fearless
Love

You may compare me to the Christ
Comically
If it suits your tastes
He too was a brave man
With a wise heart
That also faced temptation
Who gave his love
To his enemies
He also was a teacher of men

Those of you who
Fear
You may resume
Your fear of me
How I can become
On any given day
Thunderous

I will roar forth
And in so doing
Break the darkness

I refuse to fall
God will lift me up

..

11/10/16

During the talk, we were asked to sit a few moments in silence and to decide for ourselves what our intention of the bodhisattva would be. Something simple was suggested like, I will be kind.

For me, the answer was simple. It was something I had decided, several years ago, during a time of great strife.

I will be an unstoppable force. I will be love.

..

An Unstoppable Force
Or
My mostly honest heart
By
Daniel Christensen
Writing as
The Fire Elemental

Copyright © 2014 by Daniel Christensen. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher.