NIGHT

I can't seem to sleep anymore. Peace has abandoned me along with all else. I have nightmares my heart fills with lead and I want to run or look away but I can't. Each time I close my eyes I see you, arms wrapped around someone that isn't me, sweat slicked bodies entwined in shadows not dark enough to shroud your sharp exhalations and moans of satisfaction. It makes me sick to my stomach. It's the cruelest way you could think of to hurt me wasn't it?? Your twisted vengeful satisfaction. And you came home to me afterward. Still tainted by your slut you came back to me after I cried myself to sleep with no solace except for our child growing within me. You had the nerve to touch me the following night...had the nerve to make love to me as if it were our first time all over again. And so I am tainted by your cruelty, by your sickness, tainted by your "mistake". Yet only after you committed your sin twice did you realize that "I was what you craved all along...what you Needed all along...what you were Looking for" and Couldn't find with your whore. And now MY heart bleeds for the "mistake" you made. I and NOT you suffer for YOUR actions and I may never escape the horrors of my deepest insecurity come to roaring life. I would just like to say thank you for treating me like absolute shit and making me feel like the lowest piece of crap before manning up and growing enough balls to tell me the truth that you broke the one promise that had ever truly mattered to me and then telling me that you only told me because you were having a bad trip and you felt guilty because we saw our son's face for the first time today. You are so much weaker than I'll ever be........I mean on the up side at least the last 2 weeks of verbal abuse make sense now.....