deepundergroundpoetry.com
Laying On My Arm
I remember the pinpricks
that didn't come
The internal burn
that never ran up my arm
Full use of my fingers
after the lights went out
Your head rested there
where arm and shoulder met
And
it didn't hurt
the way my body was strewn about
with you mere inches off
Still within my grasp
but yet so far away
Distant
I could fall asleep to your scent
Awaken to your pulse
Dream sweet nothings
in the wake of our world
During those few hours of rest
Beautiful.
We were together
that didn't come
The internal burn
that never ran up my arm
Full use of my fingers
after the lights went out
Your head rested there
where arm and shoulder met
And
it didn't hurt
the way my body was strewn about
with you mere inches off
Still within my grasp
but yet so far away
Distant
I could fall asleep to your scent
Awaken to your pulse
Dream sweet nothings
in the wake of our world
During those few hours of rest
Beautiful.
We were together
Published 23rd Jul 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 0
comments 3
reads 889
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
23rd Jul 2011 6:40am
Beautiful poem, for sure. A few suggestions/questions regarding the below stanza though:
"Your head rest there
where arm and shoulder meet
And
it didn't hurt
the way my body was strewn about
with you mere inches off
Still within my grasp
but yet so far away"
The whole poem except for this stanza seems to be written in past tense. So I'm left wondering, should "rest" be "rested"? If it's "rested" you'll need to change "meet" to "met" to keep the tense correct. Also, your use of "didn't" in the above stanza caused me to wonder if you meant the stanza to be written in the past tense. So, depending on what you do with "rest", you may have to change "didn't" as well, not to mention the whole poem's tense. LOL
That's just my observation. It's minor, so take it or leave it. Still, an awesome piece!! ^_^
"Your head rest there
where arm and shoulder meet
And
it didn't hurt
the way my body was strewn about
with you mere inches off
Still within my grasp
but yet so far away"
The whole poem except for this stanza seems to be written in past tense. So I'm left wondering, should "rest" be "rested"? If it's "rested" you'll need to change "meet" to "met" to keep the tense correct. Also, your use of "didn't" in the above stanza caused me to wonder if you meant the stanza to be written in the past tense. So, depending on what you do with "rest", you may have to change "didn't" as well, not to mention the whole poem's tense. LOL
That's just my observation. It's minor, so take it or leave it. Still, an awesome piece!! ^_^
23rd Jul 2011 11:17am
Didn't even catch that! Fixed and improved and holds truer to its past tense form now .-.
16th Sep 2022 10:11am
Has a romantic and erotic note within the lines for example:
Full use of my fingers
after the lights went out
Your head rested there
where arm and shoulder met
And
it didn't hurt
the way my body was strewn about
with you mere inches off
Still within my grasp
but yet so far away
I could fall asleep to your scent
Awaken to your pulse
Full use of my fingers
after the lights went out
Your head rested there
where arm and shoulder met
And
it didn't hurt
the way my body was strewn about
with you mere inches off
Still within my grasp
but yet so far away
I could fall asleep to your scent
Awaken to your pulse
