Toward A Lasting Happiness?  

I'm far away from who I used to be
the girl who was constantly journaling, constantly soul searching.
Now I write poetry and attempt to write novels.
And now I socialize instead of introspecting
and it's wonderful. It's amazing. It's not lonely

But am I lonely for myself?
Am I far away from what I always knew myself to be?
That striving being that gave birth to this happy situation?

And how fleeting is this happiness too?
Is this just the mania part of an awful cycle that ends in despair?
Or even if it's not headed to outright despair,
is this happiness I am enjoying just the initial cushion
the relief that at finally knowing that I can be loved
and I can have friends
and I can feel confident and not constantly anxious

Is this just a post relief euphoria that will soon fade?
And my standards will go up?
Because soon it won't be enough just to drive around in the suburbs with my boyfriend
Soon I'll need to live in the city
constantly chasing the next high
the next cool?

Soon he won't be good enough?
Soon I'll need someone smarter?
Cooler?

Soon just having what I thought I could never have will be taken for granted?
And Ill have to set new goals?
But does that mean that I'll have to move into the fast lane?
I hope not.
I'm not cut out for left lane driving...

The longer you're in one place the harder it is to be happy in a way
transition sucks but there are stages to it
when you stand still, you feel where you really are
like the middle of a novel, that's when the story threads are really tested
anyone can write the beginning.....

So how will I do with the middle story threads of MY story?
When will I move into the middle?
When will this cloud of euphoria at having SURVIVED lift,
leaving me to be truly tested as to the integrity of the ground of my being....?