deepundergroundpoetry.com
The lighter side of me
no more fading into black
lighter colours on my back
a bolder and a chattier me
in the mirror i can see
the reflection of the lighter side
no more waiting in the back;in the hide
heart no more as cold as ice
another me with a lighter spice
blood that flows, no more black tears
no stubboness here, i admit my fears
i blend with the crowd, more lively i see
is that other girl in the mirror me?
lighter colours on my back
a bolder and a chattier me
in the mirror i can see
the reflection of the lighter side
no more waiting in the back;in the hide
heart no more as cold as ice
another me with a lighter spice
blood that flows, no more black tears
no stubboness here, i admit my fears
i blend with the crowd, more lively i see
is that other girl in the mirror me?
Published 19th Jul 2011
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19th Jul 2011 3:55pm
19th Jul 2011 4:22pm
I'm critical of stanza 2 line 2: "no more waiting in the back; in the hide". Specifically, "in the hide", it doesn't make sense to me. I think I know what you're trying to say, that you're in the back, hiding, but it just reads really wrong. Perhaps you could use something like "apt to hide" or something like that.
"cold as ice" is a tired old simile (S2L3). It's bound to make people cringe like ice cubes down the back.
Interesting poem though in the context of knowing you a little bit, and then seeing you in a different light.
"cold as ice" is a tired old simile (S2L3). It's bound to make people cringe like ice cubes down the back.
Interesting poem though in the context of knowing you a little bit, and then seeing you in a different light.
19th Jul 2011 4:42pm
thank you , this is an old poem i wrote years ago i think i won't alter it even though i know it does i think i shall keep this as a reminder!
