Free

I know , sometimes
I am negative.
Unfortunately,
It is not something I spiral into or sink into.
For me, it is
More like a change in the flow of my bio electricity.
Sort of like When
Those sociopaths with the phd's
Used to give their patients
Shocks.

It quite literally feels as though
My brain has been shoved into
An outlet
while the plug is wet.
I can feel
a sort of spasm in my head.
And then....
Click.

A switch has been flipped by someone else.

It is difficult
To take control
When I'm strapped on an operating table.
Seemingly being held down
By a full-body vise.

For me,
All the doctors
Around me,
That surround me....
Are my demons.

I sometimes wonder....
Does anyone notice the stars
In my eyes?

Whether or not ,
The stars are
Only the glimmer of
Fire in my eyes.

Sadly,
They are not the flames of rage, hope, or passion.
They are just a hint of a spark of the flames I feel
Are consuming my insides.

Have you ever seen a film or photograph
That is a close up of an eye
With flames inside
And some thing like the
Silhouette of a person behind bars?

That particular imagery
Is basically where I'm at.

My heart,
My happiness,
My self....
I am just stuck inside this she'll
The one everyone else sees as my body.

It is my cage.
My skin is the sealant.
My joints are only where
The "bars" were welded.
Yes, they clearly move...
But they cannot be undone.

I am sorry
If I caused you, ever
To question me
I am sorry
If I have done more
than just upset you
At times.

It was and never will be
My intention
To harm you.

It is not your body ,
But the heart
Within you.
Your spirit.
Your passions,
I fear I may have damaged already.

I never wanted to
Become this.
I did not want this
In general.

I just want you.

To bring you happiness
Daily.
To keep you in good health.
To love you no matter how difficult
It is to love myself.

I only strive to be
Enough.
No matter how small I feel.
No matter what.

I want you to remember
I love you.
You, yourself
And that love which I
Hold dear for you.

Only these
Are what keeps me going.
Your  unfathomable love, faith and belief
In me...
You are my reason
To fight my way out of
This cage

All I want
Is to break the bars
That hold me back from
Using me full potential.

I want to get away from my demons
I want to live like
I'm alive.

But no matter how confined I am,
You make me feel free.