deepundergroundpoetry.com
Rudderless, Left to My Own Devices (version 2)
You are the boat, the hole in the ocean into which I throw my questions,
and like a Delphic oracle, you hear only one frequency of voice
on the wind. When the gale rises, leaves rustle and my lips move
but your statue hears nothing and answers less.
I throw my line, hook, and sinker, and catch a boot-full
of promise, soot from a fathomless meandering river,
the bottom-nourishing carp of my childhood.
I fold my pieces of paper, my prayers for enlightenment,
and tuck them between the stones of the Wailing Wall,
dovening among those who would stone me dead
were they to penetrate my façade to not-so-virginal thoughts;
throw pennies into the wishing fountain, hoping something -
anything - will light my horizons, shed moonbeams and hope.
You are crystal, easily shattered, impossible to recast or blow into any
shape I dream of. You are illusion, a spirit cloaked in a cloud with silver lining.
You are a silverfish, burrowing and feeding on my history.
You are more absence than presence.
You are dark, (k)night.
Published 30th Jun 2016
| Edited 1st Jul 2016
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likes 5
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comments 9
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
30th Jun 2016 12:45pm
Rudderless, indeed. This one is drifting all over the place. Toss me a life preserver.
30th Jun 2016 2:34pm
No life preserver on that boat. That's kind of the point. But I'll see what I can do.
Anonymous
30th Jun 2016 2:04pm
I'm sort of with PM on this one, but I think I see what you are trying to do by linking together a series of images that seem to have little in common. If you gave the poem a bit more structure so that the reader becomes more conscious of your method, it could work, although I would replace that first line where a boat is also a black hole -- in an ocean. I found that image to be somewhat indigestible.
"Dovening" -- I think that over the past year, my vocabulary has grown noticeably just from reading your poems.
"Dovening" -- I think that over the past year, my vocabulary has grown noticeably just from reading your poems.
30th Jun 2016 2:31pm
The first line is a riff on the joke about owning boats: that they are holes in the water into which you throw money. I've known and know some boat owners; around here, they're not uncommon. The poem is meant to be about word play more than anything and needs work - I'm not surprised about your comments and Psyco's. 😆
30th Jun 2016 4:07pm
Well if the intent was to toss me about and leave me lost at sea you succeeded lol Seriously though, l think I can see the effect you are trying to achieve here and I am sure with a nip and tuck here and there you are more than capable of achieving it 😊
30th Jun 2016 5:17pm
Thank you, Honey - a generous comment. I think it requires more than a nip and tuck. It was a letter of sorts, and I need to step back and turn it into something less personal and more accessible to other readers, or simply delete it. Sometimes when I have things on my mind, I blurt them out and spew them out on an unsuspecting world. lol
Anonymous
1st Jul 2016 2:25am
I'm looking at version 2, and the ideas are taking a more definite shape and growing in potency. I encourage you to keep refining, but I like this version. I do have one quibble that I didn't mention before -- I can't read that last line without thinking of Batman. I know that you didn't ask the pop culture do take that particular route, but many people are now likely to have that association.
Thank you. Not sure what I'll do - if anything - about the dark (k)night issue - I'm rather fond of the phrase.
I'll keep thinking about it. I like coaxing things and people to do my will. ;-)
I'll keep thinking about it. I like coaxing things and people to do my will. ;-)
5th Jul 2016 1:25am
it's a treacherous trip from the stormy ocean
to the wailing wall & the wishing well.
excellent passages.
I ride w/the dark knights, in unillustrated lands...
to the wailing wall & the wishing well.
excellent passages.
I ride w/the dark knights, in unillustrated lands...
