deepundergroundpoetry.com
Nothing
The grass didn't grow
The snow didn't snow
The flowers never decayed
And the trees never swayed
The sky never dropped rain
The land was never claimed
The stars were left in darkness
And the moon drifted on past us
The living never bleed
The begging never plead
No memories left forgotten
No corpse laid rottin’
Just an emptiness inside
No reason to have cried
Smiles continued to infest
Even though death would be best
The snow didn't snow
The flowers never decayed
And the trees never swayed
The sky never dropped rain
The land was never claimed
The stars were left in darkness
And the moon drifted on past us
The living never bleed
The begging never plead
No memories left forgotten
No corpse laid rottin’
Just an emptiness inside
No reason to have cried
Smiles continued to infest
Even though death would be best
Published 28th Jun 2016
| Edited 29th Jun 2016
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Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
28th Jun 2016 6:29pm
Mournful and desiring of better times.
They will return again.
Just a few notations:
- an* vs. a prior to emptiness
- check your syntax on 3rd line of the final stanza
I know you wanted friendly feedback; however, I truly enjoyed this poem,
and the above disrupted the flow of that final verse.
They will return again.
Just a few notations:
- an* vs. a prior to emptiness
- check your syntax on 3rd line of the final stanza
I know you wanted friendly feedback; however, I truly enjoyed this poem,
and the above disrupted the flow of that final verse.
29th Jun 2016 5:30am
I wanted to thank you for the help. I normally only ask for friendly feedback when I am not 100% confident with my work, I feel you helped a lot by just making it obvious where the weak points were and made it easier to rework. Again, thank you :)
