NOW, NOT THEN!

Woke up with a terrible feeling that I've had before
But that is NOT my life anymore,

I am not in trauma
I am not in panic
I just ran into a statistical problem involving excel
that I I couldn't solve
THAT'S ALL

I'll just do it by hand....
I'm smart enough
It's okay

I'm here, it's now, not then
It will never be then again
holy shit, how amazing is that?!

It will never ever be then again....



I'm here, I'm here, I'm so so grateful to be here, and I will be here forever, endlessly moving forward, I've turned a corner, God, yes I know..

was watching wentworth yesterday and the character's going crazy with her abusive mother and ends up killing her
dark voices whispering in her head, whispering in her head that she wasn't good enough wasn't good enough was always a failure... Not allowed to bloom, too afraid to bloom and be  a person a sexual being shit, that's the dark stuff that pokes me in the core and sends all the weight and unbearable agitation of life cascading into consciousness...

So yes, those voices reminded me, yes....

but that was then too, not now
Though not being able to solve a technical problem pushes my buttons,
It's not gonna make me go back there this time

This is a hiccup, it's all okay,
i'm  not going back there
I'm never going back there
I know I've gone back a few times but this is different

I'm closer now to an open book
I don't assume that because it's me it means it's the scourge of the earth

This is now this is now this is now, NOT then
and it's gonna stay now forever and ever
it's never gonna be then again!!!!