A Walk In the Woods

I can't tell you what it feels like when he looks at me
I can try to make you imagine it. Butterflies, cotton balls, clouds in my lungs
A cold breeze in the dead of July
I can't tell you his smile paralyzes me
But I'll still try.
I'll start with this metaphor. Take the path that feels like something is watching you, stalking you, creeping up inside. I tried the dirty path that leads to the bad boy, the rebel, Mr. Wreckless, it's overrated. I had the skater, the stoner, I got burned, gave up on myself I blamed myself for what he made me how he shaped me how he gave up on me when I needed the one that I thought was supposed to love me, I deemed myself, with his help, a loser, a failure, a misproduction of a living being, it was my fault, blood boiling, I wanted it to end, I tried that, I missed that, I should have never attempted it but I failed at that just like I did in every other aspect of my life including him I should have never did this, I missed myself, I missed my own entertainment, threw it all away for him. I know I am a failure, I know I was a fake, I wore a mask changed my ways changed my ways for someone who never cared about me in the first place as long as he could see me and kiss me and fuck me when he missed me he showed me off like a title, a trophy, a show dog for a first place ribbon that he never won because he was showing off human waste, he deemed me a beast because I wasn't the ideal size, weight was an issue and I never cared until I walked through that rusted gate. And yes I'm going off and yes I know I fucked up, I changed myself for a little prick who tore me apart just to watch me try to fix the pieces, I was a prime example of human self destruction, but this doesn't change my life now, it doesn't effect me because I know exactly where it led me. I got off that path and found a footbridge a moonlit gravel path that was closed down to the public eye, shut off from the world, abandoned by reality, I went in and looked around, found a waterfall in the death valley. A mirror in the shadows, showing a reflection of myself in a male body. I saw a sanctuary, a coven, a place to call home. Deeper in I saw anger, hate, beauty in so many negative places. So I ripped apart and left everything I ever known about how I was treated and how I was so called "respected".  I thought " I hope this is reality, I hope this is my new world, if not, it's a sick joke for someone with such a surreal understanding of the word "love" as me. It has to be not meant for me, a misdirection, a detour that wasn't for me." I wasn't meant to have known such benevolence, beauty, such eloquence in a tall, dark, complex masterpiece. A beauty like him never falls in love with a tattered beast. The only thing that I know is how to hate and be hated with a desire that nobody in their right mind could choke down. I am nothing but dust swept under a rug only brought out to be swept away into a different corner of the room.
This creature saw me. Saw under everything thag I have built up, broke inside the cage and freed me from the longing, the pain, the agony I'd been feeling. He understood the fire burning deep inside. He took the time to cool the fire that was built from misbehavior and years of nothing but trying to fix insecurities that were barely ever even there. He took the weight of the world off of my shoulders. This stunningly gorgeous man stood in front of me and gave me the honor of being his. The outside beauty was crippling to say the least but what was under that exterior was astonishing. He told me his history, the whores, the heartbreak, the experiences, and it clicked. He was my destiny. Everything I ever wanted was standing right in front of me in a dimly lit room while his head is on my chest and he's breathing softly with his lips parted while I'm stroking his hair thinking "I'm lucky enough to have this little piece of heaven in my arms where I know he wont get hurt, where I know he wont get broken. Where I know he is finally safe. Even though he has so much strength, so much intellect, so much willpower, he still needs a place to call his home. Yes he has a house and yes he has and family but he thinks he's a defect when in reality he's the most precious gift I have ever laid my eyes on. All I care about is making him feel like he's wanted, and needed, and loved without stipulation. Unconditional love without circumstances. I love him. I love him more than words can say. He fixed me. He fixed my shattered heart, my personality, he let's me be who i  really am even if he doesn't agree, even if he doesn't see the reasons behind my crazy inspirations and my insane motivations. He loves me. He loves me for what I am. Who I am. Not for what he wants me to be. He loves me for what's inside, what's outside, all of it. He loves me regardless of the number on my jeans or the numbers on my parents paychecks, regardless of the brands I wear or the music that I listen to. He loves me without stipulations. There is miscommunications, but it never gets more serious than an hour of immature arguing about something I'm too stupid to make a case for.
He's my angel. My baby. Take a walk in the woods and don't take the path that looks dangerous. Take the path that makes you feel like you're suffocating on clouds, the path that sings to you in twisted tounges. You will find your sanctuary. A little piece of heaven at the end of a dirty gravel path.