deepundergroundpoetry.com
SONG
( a Pantoum )
A note from deep within rewrites our song,
That from above in cloudless sky rains down.
All senses come alive before too long,
Electrified from daybreak to sundown.
That from above in cloudless sky rains down,
The first sound that I hear is but a taste.
Electrified from daybreak to sundown,
To multiply and drench me in your haste.
The first sound that I hear is but a taste,
To what you'll bring to me in thunder's roll.
To multiply and drench me in your haste,
And further drown me as my lover's soul.
For what you'll bring to me in thunder's roll,
Can more than equal others' want of me.
And further drown me as my lover's soul
To match & raise the stakes to keep me free.
Can more than equal others' want of me,
All senses come alive before too long.
To match & raise the stakes to keep me free,
A note from deep within rewrites our song.
.
A note from deep within rewrites our song,
That from above in cloudless sky rains down.
All senses come alive before too long,
Electrified from daybreak to sundown.
That from above in cloudless sky rains down,
The first sound that I hear is but a taste.
Electrified from daybreak to sundown,
To multiply and drench me in your haste.
The first sound that I hear is but a taste,
To what you'll bring to me in thunder's roll.
To multiply and drench me in your haste,
And further drown me as my lover's soul.
For what you'll bring to me in thunder's roll,
Can more than equal others' want of me.
And further drown me as my lover's soul
To match & raise the stakes to keep me free.
Can more than equal others' want of me,
All senses come alive before too long.
To match & raise the stakes to keep me free,
A note from deep within rewrites our song.
.
Written by
Jade-Pandora
(jade tiger)
Published 15th Apr 2016
| Edited 26th Jul 2018
Author's Note
(A Pantoum: rhyme scheme: abab, 10-syllable line count.)
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 17
reads 1167
Commenting Preference:
The author is looking for friendly feedback.
Re. SONG
15th Apr 2016 8:07am
A very telling poem. I don't usually care for prefabricated poetry formats but I like the way the repeated lines remind the reader of what was already said while rewriting it into a new story of redundancy...
"Can more than equal others' want of me" indeed...
Well said!
JJ
"Can more than equal others' want of me" indeed...
Well said!
JJ
2
Re: Re. SONG
Why thank you, JJ. And each line is repeated only once as the piece progresses. :)
Telling?
Telling?
Re: Re. SONG
18th Apr 2016 1:19am
Re. SONG
15th Apr 2016 3:01pm
Re: Re. SONG
Why thank you, Ed, that means a lot, and sounds almost wistful coming from you, but that's just me.
--Jade🌾
--Jade🌾
Re. SONG
15th Apr 2016 5:51pm
Can more than equal others' want of me,
All senses come alive before too long.
To match & raise the stakes to keep me free,
A note from deep within rewrites our song.
I love this poem so hard...
I'll have to free some space to RL it...
Great write,
Jade
All senses come alive before too long.
To match & raise the stakes to keep me free,
A note from deep within rewrites our song.
I love this poem so hard...
I'll have to free some space to RL it...
Great write,
Jade
1
Re: Re. SONG
18th Apr 2016 1:29am
Thank you so much, Geoffrey. I'm always very moved when you sacrifice another's write to squeeze in one more of mine.
pebble🌊
pebble🌊
Re: Re. SONG
18th Apr 2016 1:35am
Oh gosh thank you so much, dear whale, and how special I always feel.
--Jade🌾
--Jade🌾
Re. SONG
17th Apr 2016 1:06pm
A great hook that leads to a wonderful poem. Such a skilled write. To compare music, love, and weather all at once takes much creativity. Amazing work, Jade :)
1
Re: Re. SONG
Why thank you dear magda, what a pleasure to see you 'round these parts, and how I appreciate your thoughts of my work.
--Jade🌾
--Jade🌾
Re: Re. SONG
4th Jun 2018 4:23am
Thank you, Andy. It’s a Pantoum, the poetic formulaic I used. I’ve got a number of such published. Ever heard of the Pantoum?
Re. SONG
4th Jun 2018 4:26am
Re. SONG
12th Jul 2018 1:09am
Great song, Jade! It has such a positive vibe to it that I can't help but smile.
Nicely done, and thanks for participating in my competition!
Nicely done, and thanks for participating in my competition!
1
Re: Re. SONG
13th Jul 2018 5:13am
Hello dearest Moonchild. How very kind to come over and give your thoughts/ response to my Song, it means a great deal to me.
🌜🎶🐅
🌜🎶🐅