Depression

Do you know how difficult it was for me to wake up today? Ask me how many hours I slept today. I wouldn’t be able to answer that question. An hour? ten? 18? 8! That’s the correct number, right? I can’t tell anymore, it all seems to be one big blur, a never ending nightmare that decides by itself when it wants to continue and end. And that has to be the worst part, not being able to tell when it will slowly creep up on me, or when I’ll start denying it’s doing so. I have to ask myself, is it ok to be happy today?  Or will I be forced to fight that losing battle again later on tonight?  I do not know, and that makes me wonder if happiness is a thing I can truly obtain.

I have always been an introvert. It is extremely difficult for me to start a conversation with someone unless they say something first, so you can imagine how much harder it became to speak when depression started to awake inside of me and sealed me in its cocoon. And maybe that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t know what to say if I wanted to talk about it anyway. As do many people who suffer from depression. As a future biology major, depression has always been interesting to me. What was the evolutionary advantage of feeling like crap? After doing some research I found that depression was advantageous for some of our ancestors to prevent themselves from coming into contact with people who could potentially infect them. Jokes on us now right? Because the only thing that seems to be getting affected is my life, and I’m the one doing the infecting, so I guess I’m trying to escape myself and there are only so many ways that I know how to do that.

I’d like to issue a formal apology to all my friends and family beforehand. You might ask me before what? Before the mask I wear slowly starts to crack under the pressure of false smiles and years of fixed sentences designed to make you believe that everything is going absolutely perfect in my life. Before my facial expressions no longer match the lies that I have been feeding both to you, and myself, and you see the sadness in my eyes that I have been hiding for so many years. Before that heart of yours possess you to ask me “What’s wrong?” and instantly my sad eyes turn into a glare directed toward you and it seems like you’re the cause of my attitude. I promise you, you are not. I get infuriated when I get asked that question, not because you ask what’s wrong, but because that questions makes me realize that I don’t really understand what’s wrong myself even though I have been searching for an answer for years.

And on my journey I have found out quite a few things.

You’ll meet people who will say its all in my head and you should cut those people off immediately because obviously they don’t know where the brain is. Of course, of course it is in my head and it refuses to leave.

You may start to develop anxiety. This is not always the case, but it does happen often. If depression was the blade that caused the wound, then anxiety would be the salt shoved in afterward. Such a sinister duo. Depression has the power to force you to feel like you don’t want to do anything and then anxiety will whisper in your ear that if you don’t do anything then you will fail at everything. The domino effect will be like a new religion for you. You will apply it to every aspect of your life.  

And you will simply learn to ignore the ones who say your doing it for attention because if that duo is dancing in your mind then you’ll know from experience the panic attacks are your best friends and the last thing you want is more attention for them while you are lying in bed. It feels like you are dying in a coffin, made just for you.

One other phrase that irritates me is “I know exactly how you feel.” No. You don’t. Depression is unique to everyone as is the solution. Some people people will respond better with antidepressants, some with simply finding someone they can talk to, some will experience it gradually and some instantly. In fact, I find my depression to be a little interesting because some times it happens slowly and other times it just..sorry,it seems my mask has finally broken, and honestly I’m really tired right now, so I think I’m going to head to bed. I can't wait to do this all over again, tomorrow.