deepundergroundpoetry.com
Dead Line
Bowie and Mercury sang it best;
pushing down on me
red-tape-express ride
through paper mountains
all downhill from here.
Bring on the Clone Army.
I'll type, while myself dictates,
faster than a Japanese bullet.
All aboard!
Slow motion train-wreck captivates all,
except scurrying rat-riders.
Tickets please!
pushing down on me,
under pressure.
By DB (07/05/2011)
For LunaObscura's "The Great Decline" challenge.
pushing down on me
red-tape-express ride
through paper mountains
all downhill from here.
Bring on the Clone Army.
I'll type, while myself dictates,
faster than a Japanese bullet.
All aboard!
Slow motion train-wreck captivates all,
except scurrying rat-riders.
Tickets please!
pushing down on me,
under pressure.
By DB (07/05/2011)
For LunaObscura's "The Great Decline" challenge.
Published 5th Jul 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 10
reads 849
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Jul 2011 4:22pm
5th Jul 2011 4:29pm
5th Jul 2011 4:38pm
Part 2 is a poem about where I cut myself. I think you're gonna like it.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
5th Jul 2011 5:07pm
5th Jul 2011 5:10pm
7th Jul 2011 10:49pm
o.k darren first let me say it gives me no pleasure to pick this apart. :)
like flyric said i think its original and fresh in its content.
i have gone over it a few times to see if i have missed something, i am fairly satisfied i havent.
that said i am no expert.
i think i get the poem, i would guess you got a sort of friday feeling when it was near clock off time at work.
i didnt get the depth that you normally put in to your work.
would i change anything?
well this is pretty unique for a poem and thus i wouldnt change a thing.
i understand that i am pussy footing here so i will summarize like this.
its a poem without the flair that you normally give. its a good idea, its a good poem not a great one.
however i did enjoy reading it.
like flyric said i think its original and fresh in its content.
i have gone over it a few times to see if i have missed something, i am fairly satisfied i havent.
that said i am no expert.
i think i get the poem, i would guess you got a sort of friday feeling when it was near clock off time at work.
i didnt get the depth that you normally put in to your work.
would i change anything?
well this is pretty unique for a poem and thus i wouldnt change a thing.
i understand that i am pussy footing here so i will summarize like this.
its a poem without the flair that you normally give. its a good idea, its a good poem not a great one.
however i did enjoy reading it.
7th Jul 2011 11:22pm
Anonymous
8th Jul 2011 7:15am
[Bowie and Mercury sang it best;
pushing down on me]
[pushing down on me,
under pressure. ] Now I have "Under Pressure" and that damn riff Vanilla Ice stole rolling around in my head non-stop all mishmashed up. It's an interesting combination.
Poem? What poem? It's all progressive lunacy anyway ;)
pushing down on me]
[pushing down on me,
under pressure. ] Now I have "Under Pressure" and that damn riff Vanilla Ice stole rolling around in my head non-stop all mishmashed up. It's an interesting combination.
Poem? What poem? It's all progressive lunacy anyway ;)
8th Jul 2011 1:29pm
I always knew deep down you were an ice-ice-baby. :)
Did you know that Rob van Winkle is actually a contractor these days? I'm not sure if it's cool or scary to be able to say that you had Vanilla Ice work on your house.
"Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle"
Thanks for stopping by.
Did you know that Rob van Winkle is actually a contractor these days? I'm not sure if it's cool or scary to be able to say that you had Vanilla Ice work on your house.
"Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle"
Thanks for stopping by.
Anonymous
9th Jul 2011 5:11am
I did not know that. The last thing I saw out of him, he personally smashed MTV's master copy for the video of Ice Ice Baby and was putting out a metal album. CD. Whatever. :p It's kind of sad he wound up being reviled - Ice Ice Baby was tha shiz around the same time Buttermilk Biscuits was still bumpin'...uhhhh, yeah, gonna shut up now before I totally sound old.
Dance, go rush the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Dance, go rush the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
