deepundergroundpoetry.com
Wasted Intercourse
The object you desired, from what had recently transpired,
were the happenings of unwrapping things,
that should be mostly left unsaid.
I watched with some indignity, feelings that grew inside of me,
with closed eyes, still plain to see
your wretched heart stopped dead.
Your prodding and provoking, saw me nodding, saw me choking
as I stuttered taut, of cluttered thought,
to volcano from my head.
Yet you looked on so cluelessly, despite claims you were through with me
and you have the nerve to observe
that you're the one misled?
I no longer feel emotional, my loss of faith too close to call
you're not who you said you are, but flawed and irregular
wound dry, it has been bled.
For the past I'm unrepentant, but now at peace and mild contentment
you've been dealt your hand, and must understand
now made, you must lie in your bed
By DB (06/28/2011)
were the happenings of unwrapping things,
that should be mostly left unsaid.
I watched with some indignity, feelings that grew inside of me,
with closed eyes, still plain to see
your wretched heart stopped dead.
Your prodding and provoking, saw me nodding, saw me choking
as I stuttered taut, of cluttered thought,
to volcano from my head.
Yet you looked on so cluelessly, despite claims you were through with me
and you have the nerve to observe
that you're the one misled?
I no longer feel emotional, my loss of faith too close to call
you're not who you said you are, but flawed and irregular
wound dry, it has been bled.
For the past I'm unrepentant, but now at peace and mild contentment
you've been dealt your hand, and must understand
now made, you must lie in your bed
By DB (06/28/2011)
Published 28th Jun 2011
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Anonymous
29th Jun 2011 8:15am
There are a few moments in this poem which make one shiver with pleasure at how deliberate and organised they are, such as the internal rhymes of "provoking", "nodding" and "choking". However, your dedication to a lyrical structure really confuses the syntax and makes me trip over, again and again. I suggest you write this in a series of short, self-contained sentences, which might make it clearer. Just my humble opinion, of course.
29th Jun 2011 1:38pm
Thanks for your suggestion Jack. In truth, I really wasn't too fond on this one, but it started out as a line or two and I felt obligated to turn it into a poem.
I really need to stop all of this rhyming nonsense! I still blame DUP! :D
I really need to stop all of this rhyming nonsense! I still blame DUP! :D
29th Jun 2011 8:39pm
yeah there is a definite thought process at work here,some finely tuned rhymes.
there are a few minor blocks to the flow nothing that cant be sorted out with a quick revision.
this rhyme is far from the usual that might be found as you have stayed well away from the easy way out.
feelings that grew inside of me
might change to 'as feelings grew inside of me'
despite claims you were through with me
'despite claims you'r through with me'
just an example that might help , by shortening the line a little bit bit still keeping the words.
rhyming is nice to read. i think this poem is a good example.
there are a few minor blocks to the flow nothing that cant be sorted out with a quick revision.
this rhyme is far from the usual that might be found as you have stayed well away from the easy way out.
feelings that grew inside of me
might change to 'as feelings grew inside of me'
despite claims you were through with me
'despite claims you'r through with me'
just an example that might help , by shortening the line a little bit bit still keeping the words.
rhyming is nice to read. i think this poem is a good example.
29th Jun 2011 8:47pm
Thanks Eamon. I think rhyme is so difficult to do well which is why it's generally best to stay away from it. I tried to step outside of the regular boundaries here, some of it worked, some of it didn't.
Thanks for the specific pointers, between yourself, Jack and some others perhaps I can revise this into something half decent. :)
Thank ye kindly.
Thanks for the specific pointers, between yourself, Jack and some others perhaps I can revise this into something half decent. :)
Thank ye kindly.
Anonymous
29th Jun 2011 9:13pm
someone's been reading their Poe...
29th Jun 2011 9:29pm
