Scared To Love

I'm so scared of getting another broken heart.
I don't want another person to tear me apart.
I wish I didn't think this way.
I distance myself more everyday.

My husband doesn't deserve the heart ache.
I'm so scared that I push him away.
I'm too scared to allow anyone inside.
I need to realize I can't always hide.

Love sneaks up on me.
I get scared and retreat.
I put up my walls acting like I don't care.
I'd miss him so much if he wasn't there.

Why do I act like this all the time?
Why do my mind and heart fight?
My mind tells me I'm going to get broken.
My heart tells me to not leave anything unspoken.

I yearn for my movie moment.
My mind tells me to forget it.
It tells me I'm not good enough for anyone.
It tells me they find better before long.

Why can't I have some confidence?
What am I even trying to convince?
Myself, my brain, or my heart?
I'll just tear myself apart.

I just hope someone can handle my insecurities.
Being mean is my way of fighting low self-esteem.
I just wish I could get rid of this criticism.
I guess I'll have to find another defense mechanism.