deepundergroundpoetry.com
Death Becomes Her
She stumbles through life
Just a streak, a blur
In the corner of everyone's eye
Always by herself
Always looking down
Peeking through her hair at happy girls
She finds her way home
Rushing to her room
To write in her journal...it doesn't help
At last she decides
To end her troubles
Dying to mend her cold, broken heart
The next morning comes
Her mom calls to her
Breakfast waiting for her as always
When no answer comes
She taps on her door
As it opens, breath can't find her lungs
Her daughter so calm
Laying there lifeless
As her pain lessens her mother's grows
The funeral comes
She rests in peace now
Sleeping in her casket she now smiles
They feel guilty though
They can't help notice
Though the loss is great...death becomes her
So peaceful she is
Almost whimsical
Ne'er was she as beautiful as now
Sleep well little one
You are surely missed
Enjoy the quiet and stillness now
Just a streak, a blur
In the corner of everyone's eye
Always by herself
Always looking down
Peeking through her hair at happy girls
She finds her way home
Rushing to her room
To write in her journal...it doesn't help
At last she decides
To end her troubles
Dying to mend her cold, broken heart
The next morning comes
Her mom calls to her
Breakfast waiting for her as always
When no answer comes
She taps on her door
As it opens, breath can't find her lungs
Her daughter so calm
Laying there lifeless
As her pain lessens her mother's grows
The funeral comes
She rests in peace now
Sleeping in her casket she now smiles
They feel guilty though
They can't help notice
Though the loss is great...death becomes her
So peaceful she is
Almost whimsical
Ne'er was she as beautiful as now
Sleep well little one
You are surely missed
Enjoy the quiet and stillness now
Published 23rd Jun 2011
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comments 15
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Jun 2011 2:15pm
I think one of your best poems to date.
Watch for cliches like "cold, broken heart", they kind of detract from the poem. And take the opportunity to be more expressive in conveying certain ideas for example "happy girls" is a little flat. Maybe something like "pretty, popular girls" might convey more meaning as it gives the reader a stronger image in their head (although this is just an example, it might not be the exact meaning you intended).
Overall though, it's nice to see you progressing.
Watch for cliches like "cold, broken heart", they kind of detract from the poem. And take the opportunity to be more expressive in conveying certain ideas for example "happy girls" is a little flat. Maybe something like "pretty, popular girls" might convey more meaning as it gives the reader a stronger image in their head (although this is just an example, it might not be the exact meaning you intended).
Overall though, it's nice to see you progressing.
23rd Jun 2011 2:24pm
Thank you! I tried really hard to keep in mind what you had said. Not rhyming is so awkward for me lol. But thanks for the critique!
23rd Jun 2011 2:27pm
Didn't you find it easier in some way to express your thoughts? No longer shackled by that need to find THAT word that fits.
I applaud you for moving outside of your comfort zone, that is what true poets do.
I think you did just fine. :)
I applaud you for moving outside of your comfort zone, that is what true poets do.
I think you did just fine. :)
23rd Jun 2011 2:44pm
Yes and no. Once you do something for so long it just becomes habit but the more I try not to rhyme I'm sure the more comfortable I'll get with it. Thanks again! :)
24th Jun 2011 00:34am
24th Jun 2011 5:49am
24th Jun 2011 12:34pm
Nice storytelling style. Cold and peaceful in a way...I like this kind of writing.
Keep it up!
Keep it up!
25th Jun 2011 11:39am
31st Dec 2011 5:14am
4th Jan 2012 7:59am
1st Jun 2012 4:26am
Tragically beautiful,,,
"breath can't find her lungs"
I really like this portion
of the line... =)
"breath can't find her lungs"
I really like this portion
of the line... =)
12th Jul 2012 2:58am
12th Jul 2012 3:51am
This is from a very biased perspective. Pro-suicide. Death does not "become" anyone when there is someone left to grieve. This is not romantic so much as fancifully naive.
The narrative could be a lot tighter. This is a story of tell rather than a poetic show. It doesn't dig deeply into the emotions or the characters mind. Why did she feel that way to do what she did, what pushed her over the edge, was it done impulsively or was it planned? This raises a lot of questions without giving many answers. And the one's it does give aren't based in reality.
No offense intended in this critique. I wouldn't have commented if this poem didn't have something in here that I liked. I can see the potential it has, but it's not there yet.
The narrative could be a lot tighter. This is a story of tell rather than a poetic show. It doesn't dig deeply into the emotions or the characters mind. Why did she feel that way to do what she did, what pushed her over the edge, was it done impulsively or was it planned? This raises a lot of questions without giving many answers. And the one's it does give aren't based in reality.
No offense intended in this critique. I wouldn't have commented if this poem didn't have something in here that I liked. I can see the potential it has, but it's not there yet.
14th Jul 2012 11:14am
I completely understand and appreciate the critique. I'm definitely going to go back over this now. Thank you for your honesty..much appreciated.
23rd Jul 2012 5:21am
So peaceful she is
Almost whimsical
Ne'er was she as beautiful as now
my favorite part. death is so pretty
Almost whimsical
Ne'er was she as beautiful as now
my favorite part. death is so pretty
