Free, but Silent

 I’m at a loss
of words
I have been for a while
and I tried
I think
but my mind just can’t form
the proper response
to whats manifesting
I’m okay
some days look bleak
my heart is sometimes
confused
and my mind doesn’t know what to think
but I’m okay.
I miss inspiration
and I feel like living each day
without it
makes my mind uncreative
and I’ve locked myself out of thoughts
and imagination
because I don’t want to hurt
myself or others.
You see, I didn’t realise I was
deteriorating
until I looked around me
and I felt nothing
I was eating myself up
from the inside out
with all the deception
that kept me a float
and I was afraid
Because If i stopped wading
In this stream of lies
I would drowned
But what I didn’t know is if
the truth would be the thing
that suffocated me
or saved me.
and I was too afraid to find out
Fear is a prison
and ball and chain
Locked to your leg
and If you have confidence
it’ll break…
It would.
but see, I would rather
twist my ankle
and thrash against
the cold metal
trying to contort
fear into setting me free
But fear ended up contorting me
and it grew
and the more i twisted my ankle
longing for escape
the more my mind twisted
with hate
for truth and myself
But eventually
I was set free
because I realised
fear can’t hold me
as long as I stay out of its reach
And I have been
but somedays
are days
where I am blurred
and my direction is obscured
and so I let fear
skim the edge of my skin
softly convincing me
to fall back in.
and sometimes it feels
as if
the fear is the only place
that is inviting
that is home
because I made
a perfect size mould
that I sat in for years
and now its just an empty hole
that begs my return.
and the feeling of comfort
tends to appear.
So i step back once more
and the caress of fear
is no more
now its a grip
of nails and calloused flesh
against my still healing skin.
and being afraid of fear
can only have more control
over your thoughts and heart
But i know I’ve grown
and I am better than this
and hope is stronger than fear ever is
so I bring back into perspective
the journey I’ve trekked
without the chains of fear
to tie me there.
Now I struggle
to find expression
without the inspiration
of fright.