someday I will go Home

We keep looking to the stars for proof of bigger better evolution. We keep wondering who we are and if we are alone. We question if we are doomed and whether that matters. Maybe if our planet disappeared beyond event horizon the Universe would know greater Peace. There is a paradox I see in all the world around me. Ours is a planet of stellar beauty and abundance, diversity and evolution. Yet the most "intelligent" (?) species here despise and fear their existence.

No one teaches us the real things. No one teaches us how to wake up and stay awake. No one teaches us how to remember why we came here and who we are meant to serve. No one explains how to live alongside the uncertainty while what does appear to be certain is often evil and malice. No one teaches us how powerful our thoughts are. No one teaches us how much control we have and how influential we are. No one teaches us that we do not aspire to change the world someday, but that we do in a million different ways in every waking hour.

You have to find out these things on your own and for a very long time Truth can be a lonely endeavour. The masses have no answers but ask no questions. They accept and move slowly into Death benignly acknowledging that nothing has ever made sense, but never stopping long enough to discover the Joy inherent in this discovery. We replaced god with science, and science with fear, and now our trepidation appears to be our only salvation.

But I came here for a different reason, and on the good days, weeks and months I do my best to Remember that if I had not wanted to help I would not have come. I am lucky because I have been Awake just long enough to understand the choice, that it was one, and that I wouldn't have made it if I wasn't equipped for the job. Now it's just a process of staying aligned. Because this dense world will always throw you back into the Darkness. I forget all the time. I dye my hair purple and smoke cigarettes and watch hours of television nonstop. It's so easy to misuse and misunderstand these vessels. It's easy to feel trapped and useless. Yet even these strange bouts of detouring somehow add to my courageous Will to move on.

I am aware that there is so much more to experience and learn. Yet the nature of these experiences still mystifies me. At times I wonder if I came to Earth as a vacation or a jail sentence. If perhaps the cruelest punishment for any cosmic soul, would be to be placed on the most stunning and bountiful place in the Galaxy and not be able to notice or appreciate it because we are determined to see with only two eyes instead of three. If Buddhism is correct perhaps this place is a spiritual boot camp. Once again, being put on a rich and lush material plane only to be told you can not leave until you renounce all your desire for these things...it seems like a trick or a joke sometimes. If you were placed on an oasis and asked the same, surely this would result in far more monks and saints. But my fascination with the Beauty and Magic of this place is only equal to my yearning to go back Home.

Being awaken to certain Truths is difficult. It's why I barely talk about myself in the singular and often feel defeated even in the wake of my own content and abundant Life. Our intersubjective nature is undeniable. I never received a deeper insight into human consciousness than my friend explaining how mushrooms grow. We had been walking on a path for a few kilometres and there were many bright orange clusters of mushrooms lining the path. My friend explained that although they appeared to be separate shoots above the ground, underneath the soil they were a vastly connected network, and in fact one single organism. In this single moment I came to realize why my own happiness, which had always been relatively easy to produce, had never been enough.

I was connected to the greater organism. I was physically  and psychically respondent to those around me and always had been. How else did language and communication work? But it was much deeper and more complex than that. Either all of us evolve, or none of us do. Simply because there is no "us" in the sense of plurality. There is one single "I" and this terrifies me in the most motivating ways.

So I keep moving forward to do my part. Just like the liver and stomach and heart are all important to the overall function of the body, I know there is some strange and specific way I am helping the Universe process itself through this human essence. And although I try to align with Love because my experience has shown this to be a powerful source of energy and encouragement, at times, if  I am perfectly honest, I understand the fear. To be connected in such profound ways and to feel that all your efforts could be outweighed by a majority of apathy is hard to deal with. But if you let the fear stop you, apathy wins.

I can't say that I Remember all the time. I can't say that I am always positive that this is a battle worth fighting. All I can commit to is an absolute refusal to quit trying. And because I never have I know I never will and because I am here I know I am meant to be. And someday I won't be anymore. And this to is a comfort. To know that I have done the best I can while I was here and that someday I will go Home.