Things I've Wanted to Say to my Therapist (But Never Have)

I'm sorry, sir, for wasting your time,
But there's really no reason for me to be here.
You make me kind of nervous.
That's why I'm not talking.
I promise I'll speak more next session.
Just give me some time.

I want you to take me off these meds.
I swear I don't need them, you should know that,
Don't you?
Please stop calling last month a
"Suicide attempt," it wasn't.
Please stop talking about the notes
You shouldn't have read.

I promise I'm not lying to you,
Please just listen.
You never ask questions, just speak.
If you asked more questions, maybe you'd get more
Useful answers.

Do not send me back to the hospital I can't take that
Don't send me there, please don't send me back
If I cried would you change your mind
If I spoke would you show some mercy I haven't lied to you I've never lied
I just can't speak I can't my tongue won't work you've frozen it I can't
I'm sorry.
For god's sake please don't do this please.
Please.
Please. . .
I'm so sorry, sir, for not talking more.
I promise I'll speak more next time,
Please don't do this again.

I'm promising myself I won't speak like this again.
I won't have you
Laugh at me again.
Do you laugh
When your other patients
Try to tell you the truth?

Last week I learned that an old friend
I'd nearly forgotten
Killed himself. I feel
Guilty
That I'm only bringing him to life in my mind
Now.
But you won't hear that from me.
I won't give you what pieces of his life I can remember so you can kill him,
Too.

Yes, I'm lying to you.
Why should I trust you?
I'll never trust you.
Go ahead,
Threaten me with that
Fucking
Hospital. I don't care this time,
As long as I don't have to come back to you.

You're incompetent. If you listened,
Maybe you'd know that I'd accept a different idea
If you proved yourself capable
Of providing a better one.
My refusal to accept your delusions doesn't mean that I think my
Perceptions
Are facts.
I just know you're wrong,
And you have the arrogance to believe
I cannot be right.

I hate you.
Don't you fucking dare bring him into this.
Don't you dare presume to tell me that I do not
Love him.
I will not give you the happy times and hopeful dreams that could prove to you that
I feel.
I'll give you screams
And hatred
And cool seething rage to prove to you that I
FEEl.
You have done
NOTHING
To prove that you won't corrupt any pure thing I offer.

I'd kill myself just to spite you.