The night apathy drowned

 

"Do you want to be punished? " those words rang through my head like the chimes of bells at Christmas time. My heart pounded inside of my chest as I continued to look
down to the floor. "Look at me, girl. Do you want to be punished.?" her voice was louder now, and the bells inside my head drowned out the question. I began to drift
further within myself. I heard her command, yet my eyes remained fixated on the
floor, tracing the patterns of the carpet. Subconsciously counting every fiber.
There had to be a thousand threads in that one square beneath my feet that had
drawn the focus from my eyes.

She grabbed my chin, raising my eye level to her own. Now I was staring into the
abyss. A short moment had transcended time and space. It was only us, and oblivion.
I looked back to her in silence. My body had become shaken with nerves.
"Do you want to be punished? Answer your Mistress. " she said; but no words
would come. I was choking on my own thoughts. The words were a whirlwind
that fed the bells that grew louder with every syllable that rolled from her lips.

Without notice nor warning a hard thud landed across my face with the back of her
hand. My cheek stung, she glowed with a genuine smile her eyes never leaving me
as she watched my face. The bells were gone now. I felt as if I were hovering
above myself, still the words wouldn't come. "Well, do you girl? " I nodded silently
Neither yes or no, just a tilt of my head to acknowledge her. Before I could move
my lips in attempt to say something, anything I was met with another impact of
the back of her hand. Now both cheeks stung, and a smile curled over my lips.
A real shit eating grin. She laughed.. I thanked her.

"You have to let that bitch die, and bury her in the ground. No one can ever punish you as much as you punish yourself." she said as she looked to the tiny butterfly tattooed on my ankle. "Didn't you promise yourself to fly? You're going to fly for me now. You're going to fly for both of us, but you have to let her go now. " The tears I had been holding back for so long finally pooled up in my eyes. I tried to push them back as I turned away from her looking back down to the carpet, counting the fibers again. There were no bells this time, only uncomfortable silence and the sound of my own voice inside my head telling me I wasn't going to cry. Not this time, not in front of her, not ever.

She grabbed me by my shoulders pulling me into a warm embrace. "Oh no you don't" she scolded me. She held me and stroked my hair. "Let her go baby, let it out." she whispered while she comforted me in her arms. I lay my head on her shoulder and began to wail, weeping like a baby in her mother's arms. I had never felt such a
release of emotion. All the things I had been holding on to for all those years were
finally leaking out of my eyes. "You can forgive yourself now" she told me while I continued to cry, and I did. That was the night apathy drowned so many years ago.

I didn't have the best relationship with my ex Mistress. Love isn't always enough and we eventually had to let each other go. A few months later I would find my wings and fly off on my own back into the world, but I'll always remember that moment when reality literally slapped me in the face. It changed me forever, and I'll always be thankful for that. I don't know what ever become of her, or how she's doing now. I just hope
that wherever she flew to brought her the same happiness that I would eventually find
within myself. I dwelled in darkness for so long, yet I found the light shining within myself with a subtle sting against my cheek.

Perhaps one day we'll meet again... If not this life, in the next. I'd like the chance to formally thank her one day, but for now all I can do is share the story here. Who knows
maybe it will find it's way back to her, and greet her with the same smile she had back
then. Her light was always stronger than mine, but I'm getting there.