The Ballad of Big Bad Bob

 
Going to the game gramps and me
Wandered up to a stall to buy a cup of tea
Big Bad Bob was shouting, raging, drunk
‘I’m taking on all comers’ roared the punk
 
 
For Bob had knocked six coppers out
Now all were terrified of the lout
He’s nowt but a gobshite me old gramps said
He  needs a clout about his head
 
‘Behave yourself yer wazzack or I’ll take you to task'
‘And just how will you manage that may I be so bold to ask?’
For Bob weighed 200 pounds and stood at six foot three
‘Piss off home yer daft owd fart I’m twice the size of thee’
 
Granddad sauntered over slow and casual as could be
Pulling out Bob’s trouser belt he poured in his scalding tea
Big Bob screeched and danced about he looked a proper clown
Trying to pull his trousers off whilst jumping up and down
 
Gramps then took his pipe stem and jabbed Bob in the eye
The bully screamed in agony like he was going to die
Gramps kicked him in the happy sacks and chopped him in the neck
Bob fell wailing to the ground a snivelling, gibbering wreck
 
He crawled over to the coppers crying to be nicked
He’d come against my granddad and had his backside kicked
The coppers could hardly cuff him, laughing fit to burst
Against me ancient little granddad Big Bad Bob had come off worst
 
And when I told my granny she giggled like a drain
‘If they come up against yer granddad they’re going to suffer pain’
He used to be a Commando and damned good at his job
Hitler’s army couldn’t beat him, what chance had Big Big Bob?